Sunday, November 27, 2005

Sitting here staring at a blank screen wondering what to say. I started this journal as a place for me, a place to get the things in my life off my chest. A place to vent, just for me. I wasn't going to let people reading influence what I have to say or cause me to hold back from letting my scream out. Somehow that has happened. I have held back. I went private for a while so I could get what I wanted to vent out and ended up deleting all of those entries before I returned to the public. Tonight I am letting my thoughts out and letting the public read them.

As a few of my close friends know my marriage has been rocky for quite some time. I will take full blame for it. I always want more. More love, more attention, more recognition, more adoration, more patience, more of a love of life. Anyone who knows me in real life (and I sincerely hope one of them read this blog) know that I have a passion for life. I am a grab life by the balls and have a great time at it kind of girl. I love being happy. I love dancing around the house, singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs, sharing a bottle of wine and a bunch of laughs with my girlfriends, telling raunchy jokes, catching someone's eye and smiling at them with the hope my smile will make them smile. Happiness is a choice we all make and I consciously chose every day of my life to be happy. I may stray and have a down day but for the most part I am a happy, happy girl. Not today. Today I am letting shit bug me. There are certain things about my husband that I know have really been major things with me for years and every few months over all of these years I try and talk with him about all of the short comings in our marriage and what we should do to go about fixing them. This man loves being miserable as much as I love being happy. I asked him tonight what I can do to help him be happy. He says make me debt free. I voiced my concerns that money is all it would take to make him happy when most men would be truly happy to have a beautiful wife that takes pride in her appearance instead of frumping around in sweats day after day and four fantastic children whom to me are the entire reason for my existence. I was hit with a reply about how conceited I am. ::sigh:: I tried to explain the difference between conceit and self confidence. It completely fell on the deaf ears of a man with no self confidence at all. I blame his mother. I blame her for everything. My husband is a case study in bad parenting. Complete and total lack of involvement on her part has led to a man who's only communication skills are to lash out, accuse me of bitching and flee the room. A man who is more than happy to sit on the couch and watch tv or play cards on the internet while life passes him by. It saddens me deeply. We are two complete extremes, the person with a zest for life and all it has to offer and the person who will wish on there death bed that they had lived. How does one make a marriage work like that and how do I help enable him to be happy?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Buncha Nothing

Today is just a blah, blah, blah day. Not much to write about but I feel compelled to make an entry. I hate letting this thing sit to long.

I went to parent teacher conferences last night for the middle two. Sky's teacher blurted out Skylee doesn't wear underwear sometimes. WTF?? She wears underwear, she is just so damn skinny that her pants won't stay up and her little butt crack shows sometimes. Sooooo, I can put pants on her that fit her waist and are 8 inches to short or they can fit the length and be to big around the waste. A belt doesn't work. What to do?

After that embarrassing conversation we went to Matt's class. The teacher got with us about 10 minutes late, leaving 5 minutes for our conference. She hands me his report card that is absolutely horrid in all subjects she teaches and great in all the ones she doesn't. She asks me if I have any problems with the report card and acted shocked when I said yes the whole thing. I tried several times to cut into her rambling with a question. None were ever answered. Just danced around. I asked point blank what I could do to help him and was given an explanation about how he doesn't ask questions in class. What would be the point of asking one when she obviously does not know how to answer one. I finally just cut her off and said look, this report card is not Matthew, I am frankly stunned with what I am seeing, not to mention that I never received any call saying she had so many concerns. I proceeded to tell her how he has pulled straight A's since kindergarten and I wanted him to get the help he needed before the end of the year, her reply was oh really, his former teacher has told me what a problem child he is and that he has trouble listening. I said hmmm, no one but you has ever mentioned a thing about any of this. She said Mrs. Schmitz specifically told me these things. This is when she about got to see my full fury. I said Matthew has never been taught by a Mrs. Schmitz. His teacher last year was Mrs. E. She promptly said well our time here is up if you ever have questions or concerns feel free to drop in or give me a call. Grrrrr. I want to drop something but it isn't in. It was an absolutely humiliating night for me that left me feeling sub par as a parent to say the least. I came home and sobbed into my pillow for a bit, wiped the tears away and came out to play Mom. Ya know, my kids may not be the best listeners(?), or be too skinny with too long legs but they are mine and as long as they grow up with love in there hearts, morals, and a decent education than I have done the job I set out to do the day I discovered they were tiny beans in my belly.

Ya know when I watch Malcom in the Middle it reminds me of my family just replace Malcom and Dewey with girls and you have my life lol.

 

Onto other news, Thanksgiving is just a few days away. I was a flurry of activity all day. Last minute preparation. All I really accomplished was getting the hallway painted which should have been done months ago when the rest of the house was done. Tomorrow will be the deep cleaning (with all 4 kids home from school) and all the food preparation that can be done before the big day. Topped off by a trip to the gym since I haven't been there since last Monday. ::sigh:: Why do I do this to myself? Why do I insist on hosting thanksgiving for the whole family including adult cousins? Either I am a glutton for punishment or I secretly get a rush from cramming so much cleaning and cooking into a two day period.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

stopsign

Thursday, November 17, 2005

We interupt this regularly scheduled journal to bring you this cheezy ad banner

The whole world has gone mad. The j-land world that is. Seems those pesky ads AOL has added at the top of the journal has seriously pissed some people off. I guess I really don't have an opinion.

I understand why everyone is up in arms but I also understand why they are there. Being worth billions isn't enough for AOL Time Warner they want to be worth quadrillions. I am curious if it would make a difference for them to lose thousands of members. Would they just make up for the loss of customers with the revenue of all those ads?

When the message boards started changing over several people were up in arms, threatening to leave AOL. I thought yeah right, a bunch of blow holes. Oh hell was I wrong. One board I have read for years and even was a message board host for went from a booming board of thousands of posts a week to less than one hundred a week. Now people are threatening to leave AOL because of a banner across the top of their journal. I hope they leave, I hope AOL loses so many customers that they have to go completely free because no one will pay for there so called services anymore. I just hope before everyone leaves they leave a link to their new journal in their old one so I can keep up with everyone's lives.

 

PS Happy 1st Birthday Loreli

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Organization??

It's no secret that I am a Mom of several children. I have been parenting for quite a stretch of time. 14 + years now. In those 14 + years I have had a hand in rearing 7 children. How the hell I have done it is beyond me. My problem? Organization. I have no idea how to organize the things in this house of many rugrats. It has become my achilles heal so to speak.

The disorganization in this house has drove me beyond batty. The very expensive haven we had built into our master suite for bathing and relaxing has turned into my worst nightmare. Nothing very relaxing about it. I have a penchant for reading in there. I read everything I can get my hands on. Therefore it is covered ceiling to wall with reading material. What the heck do Ii do with all of the pages I must peruse? I have a magazine rack. It is filled to overflowing.

My laundry room needs a good washing. I wish I could throw the whole thing into the washing machine and have it come out clean and organized. Will that ever happen? Probably not. I have a wonderful book shelf in the room meant to hold lovely containers for winter hats, scarves and mittens. All summer long it is full and works well. Come winter it is empty and there isn't a stocking cap to be found. There must be a very well dressed snowman somewhere in the neighborhood. I started a sock box for all the strays that aren't matched during laundry folding day. Thing is I started skipping the matching part and started throwing them all straight into the box. I figured I could just match them all later. Sock folding has now become a 2 hour event once a month when the kids scream their toes are frozen and the teacher insists they must wear socks in gym. The storing of the clothes that do get folded is my next area of insanity. I fold them all stack them on the hockey table that has taken residence in the laundry room and holler for the kids to come get them and put them away. They actually get put away half the time. The other half of the time they stay put on that table until I get irritated and haul them all up the stairs to tuck them neatly into the dressers they belong in, that is until I walk into the room the dresser lives in and find the clothes I just washed yesterday thrown all over the floor while the owner of said clothes was looking for the perfect shirt to wear with the coolest pair of jeans they own. Grrrrr. I have begged Shawn numerous times to please haul all of the dressers down to the laundry room so I could put the clothes away myself and monitor all activity going on in the drawers of the dressers. Yet, the dressers are still in the rooms. I'm not sure if it's because he hates my idea or is afraid to wade through the clothes tsunami in the rooms to get the dressers out for me.

I cannot even go into what my kitchen cupboards look like inside or what to do with the 3 junk drawers I have, the closets that must have missing children lost inside of their depths or the toys and such that live under the couch.

How in the world do I even begin to organize this house??

Monday, November 7, 2005

October!!

Here it is November 7th. One week into November and I didn't posted anything at all in October. What a busy month it was.

Sky turned 6 on October 3rd. She had her first real birthday party with friends rather than just neighbors and family. What a great time she had! She is growing up so quickly. I know...all Mom's say that.


October is also the height of apple season for us at work. I busted my ass for an entire month, can't complain though, I make more money in one month of apple season than I do all summer. What did I do with all that money you ask? I did what any red blooded girl would. I shopped!! I love to shop. Now that November is here and all has slowed down at work I am taking some much needed time off. Just in time to hit it hard again in December for all of the Christmas parties. Or should I call them holiday parties? Still on the work subject, I have begged and pleaded to train to bartend, I know how to bartend, I did so in my previous life (before hubby).  I just really need a change. I have been serving for 12 years now. I love it, I consider myself a career server. I am great at my job and make more money doing it than most people would even realize. It's just time to shake it up a bit.


I joined the gym in October too. I am loving it. Good-bye flabby ass hello nice, firm, hard ass. Yay!! I get a whole lot of you don't need the gym you look great. I'm sure I do but I grew up a skinny girl, many thought I was anorexic. Now that I am 15 lbs over my norm I feel flabby and am determined to get back down to where I want to be. I also tan every time I go to the gym...I want to be a tanned hard ass. Am I vain??

Now for the grand finale of October....THE
HALLOWEEN
PARTY!!! It is the party to end all parties, it is when everyone in our cul-de-sac lets down their hair and gets wild and crazy. Truly desperate housewives gone wild. I love this party. It takes months to plan it, days to set up for it and hours to get so trashed all you make it through is 3-4 hours but those are the funnest 3-4 hours of the whole year. Ok maybe not the funnest (I kept my shirt on the whole night) but pretty darn close. Shawn was a flasher, what a riot!! I made him a huge schlong out of nylons with massive balls. Great fun. He had more housewives lips around his Johnson than he ever has in his life, too bad for him it was the fake Johnson, not the real one. I was a cute little vampirette. Next year I am going as an angel. One of these years I have to be good. 

As for actual Halloween, I spent the afternoon volunteering in Sky's class. I love that stuff. The kids all know me and seem to really like me. Skylee dressed up as snow white, Hannah as Hello Kitty and Matthew as a punk rocker (I'll tell you a story about green hair dye later). It was a wonderfully warm evening. I dropped Daddy and the little munchkins off 6 blocks away and came home to make the traditional chicken noodle soup and pass out candy. We had the most trick-or-treaters this year than ever before. 

Fun, fun fun :) 

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.

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