Thursday, January 24, 2008

A good day!

I had such a good day today! After spending 3 days in bed I finally ventured out. I went to work but had to leave early. I got a call from the school nurse that Skylee was in the nurses office with a fever, sore throat and tummy ache. Poor baby. I picked her up and brought her home so she could lay on the couch and watch toonies.
After I got her settled in I headed off to the gym. Yay! Yay! Yay! I need that So bad and had an awesome workout! I got my 2 miles in and got all my reps in on my machines.
I came home and cleaned house and got Shawn off to work, then ran to the store and came home and made super nachos. Yum.
Seems like a normal day but it felt so good to get back to doing normal things. I really hate being ill. I did have a bit of rain on my day though. I nailed my knee hard on a machine and gave myself a huge knot and ugly bruise on my kneecap. Oh well, I must always have something wrong with me or the world would be unbalanced!
Shawn started his new job last night. I feel so bad for him. 12 hour shifts 7 days a week. Thank goodness it shouldn't be for to long. It sucks all around for him and for me. I'm not used to being a single parent.
That's about it for now. Time to wind down and hit the hay. Cat wants me to blog about why they don't make jeans out of real denim anymore instead of that stretch crap and why bra's don't fit right. So tell me what you think ladies. Why? Give me some material!!
Peace

Monday, January 21, 2008

2008. The year of.............?

So, 2007 was the year of the purse for me. I spent the entire year yearning for and buying every designer purse I laid my eyes on. I can't tell you the exact amount of purses I ended up with because that would mean walking the 3 feet to the closet to count. We will get to the reason I don't want to do that here in a minute. My rough guess is somewhere near 12-15 new designer purses this year. I have made a vow to myself to lay off. I mean who needs that many purses? It has become a running joke around here. Me and my purses. I can spot a fake Coach across a crowded Trader Joe's parking lot.
I have determined 2008 to be the year of the illness. I rang in 2008 on a very mild, fairly sober, sick note. I made it less that 2 weeks before the next round kicked in. Before it was a head cold. Now it is a chest cold. I really want to just lay here in bed (where I have been for 2 solid days) and tell Shawn to wake me up when spring is in the air. I hate winter. I mean I HATE winter. What makes my hate of winter even stronger is being sick during the winter months.
It appears 2008 is also going to be the year of the teeth. I went in for a cleaning and walked out with the knowledge I have 13 cavities. THIRTEEN! It's not like I don't brush and floss everyday. It's just that I have this intense hate of going to the dentist. Which is quite odd because that's what I inspired to do with my life when I headed the few blocks from my house to the college.
That was before I got stuck in the nerve with a needle and lost the ability to become numb in the mouth. Wednesday I endured the agonizing pain of having 2 teeth filled with what felt like being numbed with Anbesol. My dentist finally decided it would be best to send me to a sedation dentistry office. Ya think so? That is what I asked for before we started this horrible dental work. Anyway, I ended up with 2 days of horrible pain to be hit with the mother load of colds. Grrrr!
Can I get a redo on 2008? I mean really! 21 days in and nothing really good has happened. Maybe it's the purse God's way of telling me to keep shopping!

2008. The year of.............?

So, 2007 was the year of the purse for me. I spent the entire year yearning for and buying every designer purse I laid my eyes on. I can't tell you the exact amount of purses I ended up with because that would mean walking the 3 feet to the closet to count. We will get to the reason I don't want to do that here in a minute. My rough guess is somewhere near 12-15 new designer purses this year. I have made a vow to myself to lay off. I mean who needs that many purses? It has become a running joke around here. Me and my purses. I can spot a fake Coach across a crowded Trader Joe's parking lot.
I have determined 2008 to be the year of the illness. I rang in 2008 on a very mild, fairly sober, sick note. I made it less that 2 weeks before the next round kicked in. Before it was a head cold. Now it is a chest cold. I really want to just lay here in bed (where I have been for 2 solid days) and tell Shawn to wake me up when spring is in the air. I hate winter. I mean I HATE winter. What makes my hate of winter even stronger is being sick during the winter months.
It appears 2008 is also going to be the year of the teeth. I went in for a cleaning and walked out with the knowledge I have 13 cavities. THIRTEEN! It's not like I don't brush and floss everyday. It's just that I have this intense hate of going to the dentist. Which is quite odd because that's what I inspired to do with my life when I headed the few blocks from my house to the college.
That was before I got stuck in the nerve with a needle and lost the ability to become numb in the mouth. Wednesday I endured the agonizing pain of having 2 teeth filled with what felt like being numbed with Anbesol. My dentist finally decided it would be best to send me to a sedation dentistry office. Ya think so? That is what I asked for before we started this horrible dental work. Anyway, I ended up with 2 days of horrible pain to be hit with the mother load of colds. Grrrr!
Can I get a redo on 2008? I mean really! 21 days in and nothing really good has happened. Maybe it's the purse God's way of telling me to keep shopping!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Scott died on 1/12/06.
Friday the 13th of 2006 was one of the absolute saddest days of my life. I cannot read what I wrote in the days following his death without choking up, still. I loved Scott immensly. He was one of my best friends. I miss him every day.
Saturday is the 2 year anniversary of Scott's death. Last year I took flowers to the spot where he died. When I am there I can feel him all around me. He is in the wind, the smell of the air, the crunch of my footsteps on the snow. Although I know he is no longer here anymore I hold him a little closer to my heart when I am there, the place he took his last breath. This year I'm not sure if I will be delivering flowers and making my visit. In so many ways it does my heart good to be there, to feel him near me, to speak into the wind all of the things I want to say. But in so many other ways I feel like when I am there no time has passed, my heart still aches. I just want to know when it gets better? Does it?
The very last time I saw Scott alive was a few weeks before his death. I ran into him at the grocery store. I had this fabulous fake diamond on. Massive and incredibly gawdy. Scott grabbed my hand, looked at the ring and exclaimed Shawn must have got a raise. He was joking and we had a huge laugh. I wish I could remember if we hugged when I left the aisle he was in but I don't recall. Anyway, now when ever I am really missing him and need to feel him close to him I put on the ring. Something I know he touched.
To bad I can't just reach in and grab my heart.


wcco.com - Victim Identified In Train-Semi Collision

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Where I am now.

You can find me here...myspace.com/MichelleSchwingler

Scott

What a long sad, stressful 4 or 5 days. Thursday evening Shawn was late from work so I sat and watched the news waiting on him to call me back or answer his phone. I had seen there was a train/semi truck collision on one of the roads on his way home. I thought maybe that was the holdup. I started to really panic when at 6 I hadn't heard from him. Finally he called, sweet relief. I told him to drive careful and watch out for traffic when he hit Jordan because of all the rescue vehicles. I briefly told him what had happened. Little did I know that little bit of info I gave him would shake our family to the core and cause unbearable heartache and grief.
He made it home with only a small amount of time to spare before he had to eat and shower so he could be out the door to play poker for the evening. I had planned to go but decided to stay home to watch Earl on TV. That turned out to be a really good decision.
Ed and I were hanging out watching the 10 o'clock news. We were hoping to catch an update on the truck/train story in Jordan. I sent him upstairs for something, I don't even know what anymore. As he was bouncing back down the stairs, item in hand the story came on. I heard them say the 35 year old Jordan man was pronounced dead at the scene. The man has been identified as Scott Fahrenkamp. I could not believe my ears. I screamed oh my god, oh my god and went into hysterics. Ed couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and I couldn't catch my breath to tell him. I just laid my head on the dogs head and sobbed as if my heart were breaking, and in fact, it was.
Scott you see, was Shawn's cousin and one of my closest confidants. He helped me get through so many rough patches in my marriage. When I moved out here and didn't know a soul besides the family. He came into Perkins were I worked and had breakfast with me on my breaks at 3 a.m., I constantly tried to set him up with my girlfriends and spent many a night dancing the night away. Shawn, Me, Scott and whatever girl I had drug along for the night. One of my favorite memories of Scott was last Christmas. My mother in law tends to rub me the wrong way at times. She had that effect last year. I decided I needed to go for a drive. Scott noticed right away that I was gone and called and told me to meet him in the driveway. I pulled up and there was Scott. Big goofy grin on his face. He jumped in, picked up the bottle of champagne I had on the seat from the night before and opened it up. We sat in my truck in the driveway for hours drinking that bottle of Champagne and then moving on to a bottle of wine he found in the back seat. I don't even know what we talked about but he had a way of cheering me up and making me feel silly for being down in the first place. I went back into the house and was determined to not let my mother in law get me down. Scott was great that way.
The toughest thing I have ever had to do to date besides telling my Mom of the loss of my still born son was calling my husband at the bar where he was playing poker and telling him that the news story I had told him about earlier was Scott and that Scott was dead. Somehow I found the words. I felt so bad for Shawn but I know how he is, he's a tough guy and doesn't get to emotional. For the first time ever, I focused on me when someone died instead of trying to remain strong for everyone else and having a nervous breakdown months later.
Thursday night was a sleepless one. I tried to lay down but my memories would get the better of me. I finally dozed off around 4 and woke up to Scott's dad calling at 4:30 to make sure we had been contacted. ( I won't go into how he was notified or why we heard it on the news)
I gave up on sleep after that and crawled out of bed around 6. It was a rush to make flight reservations for my in-laws, contact all the family who hadn't been contacted yet and get my kids off for school. I tried to lay down for a nap around 10 but the ringing phone wouldn't allow it. When I walked into my girlfriends house at noon she point blank told me I looked like hell. You know that is a good friend when you aren't insulted by her telling you how bad you look.
Friday night Shawn's aunt called to give me the funeral arrangement details and tell me what details she knew of the accident. I knew the semi had started on fire. In my fantasy world he was dead or unconscious before the cab started on fire. I would have been fine believing that little fantasy for the rest of my life. What I was told will cause me nightmares for years. 2 passers-by tried to get Scott out of the semi but were over come by intense heat and flames. They could hear him screaming inside of the truck and couldn't get to him. By time the fire department arrived he was gone. He had just filled the truck full of diesel, it took them 4 hours to put the blaze out.When they finally got it out there was next to nothing of him left to identify. They are still looking for dental records on him.
Saturday we picked my in-laws up from the airport and went to the tracks where he was hit. We just didn't understand, how did he not see the train? What we found was a blind crossing. Trees blocking the view of the tracks. He was pushed hundreds of feet down the tracks, over some bushes and up against the fence of a baseball field. The ground was all black and the bushes were burnt. It was heartbreaking.
Yesterday was the wake. We spent 5 hours at the funeral home. My girlfriend Sam went with, she had dated Scott at one point and remained close friends with him until the end. I was so glad she was there. We were a huge support to each other.
Today was the funeral. It was surreal. I was looking at a picture of Scott on the program in his jeans and t-shirt. I swear I could hear him telling me I should be in jeans, why was I crying? I should be laughing and drinking and celebrating him. I know that is what he wanted. Why we did the sad funeral dressed in black is beyond me.We should have had a party. He lived every day like it was his last party. I think I owe him one more. Sometime soon Sam and I will go sit in my truck in the driveway and drink a bottle of wine and laugh about what a character Scott was, maybe then I can let him go. For now he is still down the road and won't return my calls.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

On Monday, March 27, 2006 I posted this on another blog of mine....

Okay onto something better. The party for our friend Scott was a blast!! I saw the pictures from his accident and I just wanted to cry. I probably would have had he not been sitting in front of me so full of life. It is amazing he made it out alive by the looks of his truck. I also got to sit and really talk with his fiance. She is such a sweet girl. It's obvious why Scott adores her the way he does. She is just a doll. Her and I are going to meet at the gym tomorrow night. It will be fun to have someone to work out with again since Holly has been to busy for the last few months.
Today 1/8/08 we finally went to the gym together!! That sweet girl I met ended up being my best friend in the entire world. I love her!!
So, yeah going back to the gym. I am sure tomorrow I going to be so sore I won't be able to walk straight. Although there is nothing like a good workout for one's soul.
I'll let you know how my soul is doing tomorrow when I drag myself out of bed!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

So I have decided for the new year I am going to try to blog again and actually keep it current. I checked my other blog and it was in the summer when it was last updated. I'm not sure i'll like this forum but we'll see how it goes. I hope to be funny and poetic and have something relevant to say, the thing is, I can put really well written things together in my head and they just don't come out nearly as well versed as I planned them in my head. What you will get here is usually just raw emotion.
Ed caught his plane back to Wyoming this morning. I am going to miss that dude immensly. I hope he decides to move home but it is his choice and he needs to decide what is right for him. I will see him in April and again this summer.
Today wasn't all bad. I went ice fishing for the first time today!! We have owned an ice house for years, I really don't know why I waited so long. Oh wait, yes I do. It's the fear of the ice breaking and sucking the ice house, vehicle and me under in one big swallow. Then burping all it's contents out leaving a frozen, lifeless mass of me and twisted metal in it's wake. I think I could really learn to tolerate it, dare I say, enjoy it if it weren't for that damn fear of being sucked under.
So there you have it. My very first entry here, my very first entry of '08. It would have came much earlier if I hadn't spent the first 5 days of the year sick as a dog. Hopefully the next 360 or so days of the year will be spent germ free.
Happy New Year!!

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.

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