Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Yesterday was such a great success. Thanks again to Irish for hangin' out on my blog for a day!
Posted by Michelle at 8:37 AM
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The Spider did not see the Pheasant, as the Pheasant plucked it from the Flower.
The Pheasant did not see the Hunter, as the Hunter raised his rifle.
The Hunter did not see the cracks in the ice, as they split beneath him.
In the Silence after, the Flower and the Web nodded. They had seen it all.
Posted by Michelle at 9:27 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 5:55 PM
Posted by Michelle at 9:00 AM
Monday, January 26, 2009
This kid right here has caused me a numerous amount of headaches and grief. He has also caused me immeasurable amounts of joy and pride.
Saturday morning he solemnly swore to support and defend the constitution. A promise he has yearned to make since he was a small boy. I really couldn't be any more proud of him.
The boy holding his celebratory cheesecake
Posted by Michelle at 8:36 AM
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 10:23 AM
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 9:02 AM
Friday, January 23, 2009
Doesn't look very deep does it? The passenger side front wheel was buried
The tow driver gave us tons of shit for even considering to drive down there. Apparently he pulled a 4 wheel drive truck out of there last week. My Saturn didn't stand a chance in hell but at least Shawn and I had a good laugh over how stupid we were to venture down there.
Being hauled up from the river bottoms
Posted by Michelle at 8:49 AM
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I really need to get out today and find something to take photos of. I am reaching far back into the reserves today. I haven't felt very inspired lately but I decided I need to grab my life by the balls and take charge. Today I am going to actively look for photo opportunities even if they are only in my own yard.
Jim from Irregularly Periodic Ruminations mentioned to me today how amazing it is when we connect through blogs by sharing similar experiences. That got me to thinking just how amazing the internet really is. Ten years ago I had barely jumped on the internet band wagon. Twenty years ago I don't even know if I knew there was an internet.
Nearly eight years ago I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. I was scared beyond belief, believing we were done having children I found myself pregnant. Just recently moved to Minnesota I had no family of my own here beyond Shawn and the children. He has family out here but they are scattered everywhere and we really only see them on holidays. For all intents and purposes I was here nearly alone and pregnant. Then if by chance I stumbled upon an AOL hosted message board for pregnant Mothers due in December '01. Those women turned out to be the support system I so desperately needed. I could turn to them with questions and get real life honest advice. I could lean on them if I needed support and I found in them friendships I desperately needed during the time of transition after I uprooted myself and my family from the only home I had ever known and transplanted all of us twelve hours away from where I really wanted to be. I was desperately depressed at that time and I believe those women saved my life.
As in real life friendships grow, change and some die. I have lost touch with many of the women I cherished all those years but there are three of them I could never let go of. Candice, Carolyn, Melissa and I have never met in person but those three are among my closest friends. I don't believe there is anything I couldn't tell any one of them or anything I couldn't ask any one of them for that they wouldn't go out of their way to try and do for me.
Candice had cancer a few years back but she is a fighter and she beat the hell out of it. We have watched Melissa start a home based business and cheered her on every step of the way. We have laughed and cried with Carolyn and her joys and struggles to raise EIGHT children all the while suffering from a life sucking disease.
Fifteen years ago I would have never had the opportunity to "meet" these three women that I can't imagine having in my life. So I agree with Jim. It really is amazing.
Posted by Michelle at 9:18 AM
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I am generally a huge sharer of things. Maybe I over share. Sometimes I start talking and I just cannot shut up no matter how hard I try to force myself. You want to know what I had for breakfast? No? Well its really fascinating and I'll tell you anyway. I am strange like that. Maybe it comes from being home all day with only one other adult to talk to. Sometimes speaking with him is like speaking with a child anyway so most days he doesn't even count as another adult. So its true that I over share sometimes but most of the time I am a really private person. If I'm not sharing things with you there is a reason. Like I think its none of your business or I don't feel like talking about it at the time. Most of the time I just like my privacy and lately there has been a breach in the security. I feel like any and all privacy I have ever had and always cherished has been stripped away and every facet of my life has been exposed without my permission. Sometimes I feel like I am being pushed into insanity and sometimes I feel like I have already lost my mind. What I know I have lost is my ability to speak freely about whatever I chose to, be it on my blog, in a phone call to my Mother or my friends or just sitting around bullshitting with my husband. I need my privacy people. Any suggestions on how I can get it back?
Posted by Michelle at 8:36 AM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Today is the day I and many other Americans and citizens of the world have dreamt of for 8 years. For millions of other Americans it is the day they have spent hundreds of years dreaming of.
Posted by Michelle at 9:15 AM
Monday, January 19, 2009
So I am done taking Chantix. What a horrible experience.
I spoke with the pharmacist this morning. She explained that although the side effects I have been experiencing are documented as known side effects they aren't by any means usual. She said the drug is definitely not for me. I need to see my doctor because the side effects I am experiencing may not go away without treatment. In other words the depression and anxiety may linger. That part really pisses me off. I didn't even take this drug an entire week and it may have lasting effects. My conclusion is Chantix is dangerous and should be monitored a bit better.
For the person who suggested I google FDA and Chantix thank you! I found a ton of info that was very useful and very scary. To the person who lost their daughter I am so very sorry. Thank you for sharing her story.
Chris I read Sky your comment for her. She thought it was very cool and ran off to tell her siblings that she got her very own comment! Thanks for that.
For the rest of you, thanks for bearing with me this last week. Hopefully the side effects will soon subside and I will be back to blowing sunshine up all your asses very soon! :)
EDIT: I did a google search on why Chantix was making me itch to make sure it didn't have anything to do with my liver. Here is something interesting I found.
Posted by Michelle at 7:27 PM
Posted by Michelle at 9:36 AM
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thank you to everyone for the advice on yesterday's post. I took my pill last night and felt like hell. I woke up several times in a panic so I made the decision today to not take any more pills until I discuss with my pharmacist the side effects I am experiencing. I decided to speak with him instead of my doctor because I am guessing he will have more knowledge of the drugs ingredients and side effects.
It is true Chantix did help me to cut out at least 15 cigarettes per day but at what cost? One reader said a year later he is still having side effects. I don't want to have to worry about that considering how much it has messed with me in less than a week.
I was a wreck last night when I posted the update and forgot to add the all over itchiness I am having, it isn't just a vague itchiness it is a deep down scratch myself raw itchiness, especially on my face and head. I also neglected to write about the facial ticks, uncontrollable head jerks and the feeling I can only describe as a low voltage amount of electricity running through my brain. Very weird.
So, I am taking a hiatus from Chantix. It may be permanent, maybe not. All I know is that I am convinced if I continue on with it unchecked it will do serious damage.
Today I am still dealing with most of these effects and haven't even had a dose for nearly 24 hours. I sort of feel like I have been thrown into a chemically induced depression. My teenager lost his phone in the bottom of the lake this afternoon. It completely ruined my day and I sobbed for at least 2 hours straight. A week ago I would have told him "Your loss buddy, you still have to pay the bill". So not worth freaking out on myself, my son and my husband about.
Posted by Michelle at 7:23 PM
Posted by Michelle at 11:12 AM
Saturday, January 17, 2009
This day has been AWFUL. I may need to break up with Chantix. I cannot live through another day like today or another night like last night.
Let's start with last night. I took my night dose for the first time. Immediately I felt like it was a mistake. Within 15 minutes I felt like complete and total shit. I almost felt like I had taken a pain killer. I had that goofy out of it feeling. I also could not sleep for shit. I took the pill and went to bed at 11 pm. It was 2:30 am the last time I looked at the clock.
This morning I took the pill around 11. By 11:30 I was in the grips of the mother load of anxiety attacks. My heart was racing, I was sweating, stomach cramps, and that general feeling of sheer panic for no reason. It was so bad I almost asked Shawn to take me to urgent care. I literally had to reason with myself and tell myself I wasn't dying and nothing bad was going to happen. That went on for nearly an hour.
I feel like I haven't been thinking clearly for several days now. I constantly feel shaky and full of panic. I would rather quit turkey and do this with a coherent mind than continue to feel the way I am now. Tonight I am not taking the night dose. Tomorrow morning I will take the morning dose and Monday I plan on calling my doctor. This drug is hell.
Oh by the way cigarettes have tasted like ass all day and I think I have had 6 the entire day. I would have been close to a pack in by now. I understand some of the side effects I am having stem from the nicotine being blocked from my body but I have been having problems since day one.
For those who have taken this drug, what are your thoughts?
Posted by Michelle at 7:05 PM
Posted by Michelle at 9:27 AM
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tonight I start taking the pills in the evening as well as the morning so I will be on the full therapeutic dose. We shall see how it goes from there.
I have noticed a few things I'd like to note here for future reference. If I take the pill closer to noon the side effects don't kick my ass as bad. I was busy this morning and didn't take the pill until 1 pm. I had no ill side effects at all today. No brain fog or stomach ache. I was super crabby but I blame that on my husband who lives to push my buttons and roll the dice to see if he can make it through the day without a butcher knife sticking out of his back.
I also noticed that most of the times I smoked today I felt like I was smoking out of habit and boredom instead of real want or need. If I didn't think about it I could go hours without smoking. I have been really paying attention the last few days to the triggers that make me want to smoke. Number one is whenever Shawn opens his mouth and says something stupid, it instantly sends me running down the stairs to smoke just so I don't beat him to a pulp. Other triggers are eating, talking on the phone, getting in the car after shopping. So, shit I still have to do every day and can't cut out even to get through the next few weeks. Any of you quitters (winners!) have any suggestions for me? Something I can keep in my car, bathroom, office, living room and every where else any of these triggers may occur? What worked for you?
Posted by Michelle at 9:08 PM
Every August Cat, I and the Misters head to a gorgeous lake in Wisconsin for an end of summer blow out. It is such a beautiful place and our hosts are the most wonderful people I have ever met. I can't tell you any stories because what happens in Wisconsin stays in Wisconsin. I will tell you, whenever Claudia (our hostess) introduces us to her friends as the Rock the Dockers I bow my head sheepishly. We are legendary.
Posted by Michelle at 9:08 AM
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I really don't have all that much to post but I want to be able to look back here and track my progress. No crazy side effects today really accept for the foggy brain thing, some tiredness and a mild headache. I haven't noticed any insane dreams beyond the ones I usually have. Shawn said I have been talking in my sleep more and grinding my teeth more if that is even possible. I also have a stomach ache that feels like I haven't eaten in days. Thank goodness for Corn Nuts and sunflower seeds.
I don't have any idea if the Chantix is having any effect at all. Cigarette's still taste awesome and I still want to smoke, we'll see what happens in a few days when I am on the therapeutic dose.
Posted by Michelle at 9:07 PM
Way back in October I dug several of my tropical plants up, potted them and and brought them indoors so they had a snowballs chance in hell at surviving the winter. Yesterday morning my Hibiscus bloomed as if it were saying "fuck you negative temperatures". This one little bloom gives me hope that I have a snowballs chance in hell at surviving the negative 21 I woke up to this morning.
Posted by Michelle at 10:57 AM
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Today is night and day from yesterday. I don't know if I was just having a horrible day or if it actually had something to do with the drug. Today I feel a bit foggy and spacey but not at all crabby or weepy.
Most of the commenter's yesterday told me not to stop smoking. I have not, I repeat have not quit smoking. The Chantix website says to set your quit date for 8 days after you begin the drug but all of the research I have done basically says if you stop that soon you are just setting yourself up for frustration and failure. Since this is only day 2 I will wait a few days and see how it goes before I decide on a quit date. Yesterday was not that day.
I have Yoga tonight and I feel like I really need it. I have a bunch of toxic crap stuck in my brain this week that I really feel like I need to purge. Nothing better than the downward dog to spit that shit out!
Posted by Michelle at 6:47 PM
Posted by Michelle at 11:57 AM
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
So I am all of a few hours into taking the Chantix and literally feel like I am swimming in fog.
I am weepy and cranky and paranoid as hell. Since I only joke about being paranoid this is unusual for me. Like I am thinking about sweeping my house for bugs paranoid. Crankiness is usual for me. That's my MO but the weepiness IS NOT! I am not a crier AT ALL. I think crying is for sissies and babies and unless shit is really fucked I just don't do it.
So that is where we stand. I tried Prozac once and this feels exactly like that did. I plan to give it a day or 2 and see what happens but judging by today I would rather just quit cold turkey.
I warned Shawn to hold onto his hat, this may be a bumpy ride.
I will update later if this shit warrants it.
oh shiznit, I forgot to mention the fidgeting and vague itchiness.
There a few comments saying I'm not supposed to quit smoking on the first day. I'm not sure where you guys got the idea I did. I am still smoking. This feeling like shit thing comes purely from taking the chantix.
Posted by Michelle at 10:48 AM
Posted by Michelle at 9:25 AM
Monday, January 12, 2009
Scott wasn't just my husbands cousin or any other family member. He was all the things I listed above and more to me. He was my confidant, my counselor, my advisor, the angel and the devil on my shoulders. I loved him and I miss him. Three years after that horrible day the pain is still fresh. His voice is still fresh in my mind. His silliness will be with me forever along with every other gift he ever gave to my soul. Mere words can never express just how much I leaned on him and what he meant in my life.
So on the eve of the anniversary of his death I won't write about how he died. I choose to remember how he lived. He wasn't his death, he was his life and I plan to remember the light he was, not how he was stolen away. Rest in peace my dear friend and know you will never be forgotten or truly gone. You live on inside of my heart and the hearts of all who ever knew you.
Note: For those who are interested click here--->
I also have another entry on my myspace blog but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to import those posts to blogger. Re reading this entry this morning I decided to copy here the piece that was written in my myspace blog since I can't just link to it.
Scott died on 1/12/06.
Friday the 13th of 2006 was one of the absolute saddest days of my life. I cannot read what I wrote in the days following his death without choking up, still. I loved Scott immensely. He was one of my best friends. I miss him every day.
Saturday is the 2 year anniversary of Scott's death. Last year I took flowers to the spot where he died. When I am there I can feel him all around me. He is in the wind, the smell of the air, the crunch of my footsteps on the snow. Although I know he is no longer here anymore I hold him a little closer to my heart when I am there, the place he took his last breath. This year I'm not sure if I will be delivering flowers and making my visit. In so many ways it does my heart good to be there, to feel him near me, to speak into the wind all of the things I want to say. But in so many other ways I feel like when I am there no time has passed, my heart still aches. I just want to know when it gets better? Does it?
The very last time I saw Scott alive was a few weeks before his death. I ran into him at the grocery store. I had this fabulous fake diamond on. Massive and incredibly gawdy. Scott grabbed my hand, looked at the ring and exclaimed Shawn must have got a raise. He was joking and we had a huge laugh. I wish I could remember if we hugged when I left the aisle he was in but I don't recall. Anyway, now when ever I am really missing him and need to feel him close to him I put on the ring. Something I know he touched.
To bad I can't just reach in and grab my heart.
Posted by Michelle at 8:26 AM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I rarely talk about my husbands dog here because she is really a sore spot between he and I. I think she is dumb and messy and her fur everywhere pisses me off. If you have ever lived with a lab you know that the copious amounts of hair everywhere is quite difficult to live with. Try being allergic to long haired dogs and it becomes hellish to live with a lab. Have I mentioned how stupid she is? She is the stereotypical dumb blond of dogs. I really have no use for her and it is sad because it isn't her fault she is dumber than a box of rocks and sheds like mad.
I get fed up with all the fur everywhere from time to time and in a fed up rage decide she needs shaved. I tried it at home once and ruined a pair of clippers so I decided to take her to the groomers one day. The groomer ended up causing a hot spot that nearly killed the dog this spring. Briefly I felt empathy for her and babied her for a few months. Big fucking mistake. Now she thinks she can do what she wants around here including taking over the family room furniture and covering it with fur.
This morning she was being typical bad dog and went poking around in Shawn's fishing supplies. The result is what you see in the photo above. She ended up with a neon green fish hook stuck in the soft part of her nostril. She won't hold still and it can't be fully removed. Shawn said it will rust and come out. I think the rust will kill her so tomorrow will be the argument if we should or shouldn't take her to the vet and have it removed. We can't afford it with Shawn being laid off but I can't watch the stupid bitch be in pain either. I will probably win the argument and then a new one will start over why in the hell we have the worlds dumbest dog. I know the answer already, because my husband is about as bright as his so called hunting dog.
Posted by Michelle at 11:27 AM
Saturday, January 10, 2009
And so it begins....
I have been warned about the various side effects but the one I am really concerned about is the vivid dreams. I already have dreams that are so incredibly real that at times I have to get out of bed and walk around to shake it off. Be prepared to hear some crazy stories over the next few weeks.
Posted by Michelle at 11:17 AM
Friday, January 9, 2009
On last nights episode of 'My Name is Earl' Joy lost Crab Man's pet turtle, Mr. Turtle. She was bringing him to the Crab Shack for Crab Man to bathe in the dishwasher. She sat him atop her car, got distracted and took off with Mr. Turtle still hanging out on top. As she rounded a corner Mr. Turtle slid off the car and on to the ground. As soon as he started to slide I gasped audibly. He hit the ground and landed on his back with his little turtle feet kicking in the air. Immediately I start bitching to Shawn how that wouldn't be the case. Mr. turtle would hit the ground, his shell would crack and he would be dead. Shawn gave me the look, you know, the one that says "You are insane woman, it's just a show". I shut up and continued to watch the show. Joy didn't have the heart to tell Crab Man she lost his beloved turtle and got a replacement turtle for him. It ended up with Joy telling the truth of losing the turtle and a shot of Mr. Turtle trying to make his way back home.That is bullshit too, my sweet little Blade escaped and didn't ever come back.
Posted by Michelle at 8:57 AM
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 8:52 AM
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Why is it that when I'm bullshitting with my husband or friends I can articulate my thoughts perfectly but when it is someone I need to impress, say like a banker I come off sounding like I was born with 12 toes and raised by wolves?
Posted by Michelle at 1:03 PM
Posted by Michelle at 8:31 AM
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 8:37 AM
Monday, January 5, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 8:31 AM
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 10:55 AM
Friday, January 2, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 7:17 PM
Posted by Michelle at 11:34 AM
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Posted by Michelle at 6:24 PM
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