a mumble jumble of stuff

I haven't written in this thing for more than a month. Time flies.

The last month has been super busy. Work is really picking up. I am so happy for the new owner and for myself. When he is making money so are we.

I took first in poker sometime during this busy month too. That was super exciting!! I have become a poker junkie!!

I started working out again in the last week. I started back up with pilates. The first few days my abs hurt so bad I could hardly breathe. My friend Nancy gave me an Ab-Doer. I think that will really help too. I want to lose inches off my hips, thighs and tummy. Pilates is great for that!!

A wonderul blogger here published a book and I have been dying to read it. I was going to purchase it but shipping was so high. I decided then to wait for the book to come to Amazon. She was very sweet and emailed me the book in a word document. I held onto it for a few days because I wanted to give it my full attention. I never planned on spending the entire afternoon engrossed in her story. She is a phenomenal writer. I can't wait until she writes another novel. She is so talented and I have no doubt she will be a famous novelist. I encourage everyone to pick up The Beauty of June by Jaime Lozada (Book) in Books > Fiction & Literature > Women's Fiction.

I have had a few people ask how I am doing after losing Scott I have to say that my heart is healing, I have been doing really well until last night. Shawn and I met a guy a few months or so ago through one of our friends. His name is Scott as well. He has quickly become a wonderful friend of ours, he is such a great guy. Someone sent him into our lives. About this time last year he was nearly killed in a car wreck. He wasn't expected to make it through the night. He not only made it he has thrived. I hear he is different than he was before the accident. I say it has to be for the better. This is genuinely one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. We were supposed to meet him and his fiance last night for the big St. Patty's day celebration. I got his number from Shawn and programmed it into my phone typing Scott and not thinking much about it. I went to call him and pulled up the name Scott which had two numbers under the name. His and my Scott's. I nearly had a break down but pulled myself together and mentioned to Shawn how hard that was since I had been doing so well. He said I should delete Scott's number from my phone. I can't, I just can't bring myself to delete it. I can't delete him from my phone. It would be like I am deleting him from my life and i'm just not ready for that.

 

Bad Luck??

Does bad luck rub off??

To end my nightmarish two week streak of bad luck I kicked the recliner down, my toe slid off, bent backwards and broke. Argh!! I knew that was it for me. I couldn't have any more bad luck. I mean a broken body part is pretty darn bad! I can't believe my bad luck transferred to someone in my own home though...why couldn't I have given it to the neighbor or a really rude customer or something?

My husband called after work to let me know that he was having a horrible day. Work was bad, he screwed some stuff up. All he wanted to do was hit Walmart and get home and relax. What started as a small stop for teddy bears for our girls for valentines day ended up with a stop at Sam's Club for a new tire when his blew on the way to Walmart. Poor guy!!

He finally buys a new tire, has it put on and is on his way to Walmart. My husband has never, not even once in our entire relationship, surprised me with anything. He asks me what I want for holidays and he buys it. I was expecting some willow figurines tomorrow. Anyway, he calls to say he tried to surprise me with a new digital camera I have been coveting for weeks but when he asked the clerk for it he was informed they were stolen. Now please tell me how someone steals 20 cameras with printers off an end cap at Walmart and walks away unnoticed!! So I do some quick research online while I am on the phone with him and settle for a different model. I am so happy my sweetie thought to surprise me. I love the camera and all but damn, how much bad luck can a family take??

 

WTF???

I have had a hellish, nightmarish sort of day.

 First Ed is sick again or still or whatever and needs to go to the doctor, only I called and the office wouldn't make him an appointment because his dad still owes them money. Grrrrr. I call the idiot up and he tells me he will pay it within an hour and would call me and let me know when it was done so I could make Ed an appointment. I hadn't heard from him since so I called and asked him if he called the doctor. He said no his check won't be in until tomorrow morning. WTH?? I asked him why he didn't just tell me that so I could have paid the bill and he could have paid me back. Now it would cost him $1000 for the ER instead of $100 for the doctor. I really laid into him. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Last night while I was chatting with my girlfriend Melissa my laptop crashed. I screwed around with it until really late and gave up. I didn't have time to even mess with it until tonight when I finally called Dell. The lady was helpful and all and determined that my hard drive had crashed luckily it is still under warranty for 2 more weeks!! All was well until she told me it would cost a small fortune to get my files off of the dead hard drive. Yikes!! That is when I called the ex.

On top of that I am feeling neglected by my poker playing husband and just really need some attention. So the best way to get attention is to start a fight, right?? Wrong!!

I decided all I really needed was a long hot soak in my jacuzzi with a good bottle of wine. I filled the tub up to the brim, kicked on the jets, poured my favorite jasmine scented bath salt in, poured a glass of wine and then promptly kicked my glass of merlot off the side of the tub as I was climbing in. Hey at least it tastes just as good straight out of the bottle. Somehow though,I just don't believe a $20 bottle of merlot is meant to be sipped out of the bottle. Maybe it's just me??

Memories

I have sat down here to write several times since my last entry. I just can't get my groove back. The words all just seem hollow. Losing Scott seems so surreal to me. I said I was just going to pretend he wasn't returning my calls, I was half joking. I don't think it has sunk in yet that he really gone. I was thinking back today on all the memories I have of Scott. Nearly every memory I have of him was a fun or funny one. Those are what will help me move on. He lived a full life in his 35 years. Here are a few of those memories.

The first time I ever met him I wasn't impressed. He was loud, obnoxious and cocky. I flat out told him to stay away from my sister because I thought he was a freak! I don't even think I was that nice about it. I think I called him a pedaphile or something. (Poor Scott I was such a bitch. How we become such wonderful friends from there is a mystery). Little did I know that about a year later I would be trying to hook them up. I was eternally trying to hook him up. When I called he would immediately ask who the victim was this time. I know he loved it and I knew if any girl could get past the first date with him and see what a sweet heart he was I knew that she would be one lucky girl.

My sister came out for a visit so I called Scott up to take her out and keep her entertained for an afternoon. That afternoon turned to midnight when I had to call them to find out where they were. They were at a go-kart track. That would be just about both of there style. I don't think they had any romantic interests in each other. I think he viewed her as my kid sister and nothing more. That is a good thing. I am just happy my sister got to meet him.

Next I tried to hook him up with my girlfriend Heather. Oh what a funny calamity that was. They are the two most opinionated people I know. Nonetheless we had a great evening playing cards and drinking beer. We sent the guys out at 2 am for Taco Bell. They came back with more food than we could ever eat. There we sat eating tacos, drinking beer, laughing and playing cards. You can't get moments like that back.

I tried to fix him up with a girl named Tamara that I worked with. He was smitten. We double dated there first date. We went out dancing at a bar. Neither Shawn or Tamara dance, Scott and I tore up the dance floor. I remember us dancing to the cha-cha slide. Neither of us knowing what we were doing but giving it our best drunken try. We may not have been good but we were funny.  We always had fun. I know they dated a few more times after that. I don't know what ever happened to her.

In the end he ended up with a girl I had nothing to do with and didn't even like. She wasn't fun. Scott had a way of seeing the good in everyone. I now he really loved April and I am so happy for him that he found true love. Everyone should find there one true love in life.

These are moments that I will never get back with Scott but memories I will always hold close to my heart. I just hope that when my time here has ended, I will get to watch all of my memories unfold as if they were video taped. I am sure time spent with Scott will be among the most watched and some of my favorite.

With that I will let my memories of Scott rest. Hopefully one day I will be able to pull them out, dust them off and bask in the sunshine of them without the chill of missing him so much as I do now.

Scott

What a long sad, stressful 4 or 5 days. Thursday evening Shawn was late from work so I sat and watched the news waiting on him to call me back or answer his phone. I had seen there was a train/semi truck collision on one of the roads on his way home. I thought maybe that was the holdup. I started to really panic when at 6 I hadn't heard from him. Finally he called, sweet relief. I told him to drive careful and watch out for traffic when he hit Jordan because of all the rescue vehicles. I briefly told him what had happened. Little did I know that little bit of info I gave him would shake our family to the core and cause unbearable heartache and grief.

He made it home with only a small amount of time to spare before he had to eat and shower so he could be out the door to play poker for the evening. I had planned to go but decided to stay home to watch Earl on TV. That turned out to be a really good decision.

Ed and I were hanging out watching the 10 o'clock news. We were hoping to catch an update on the truck/train story in Jordan. I sent him upstairs for something, I don't even know what anymore. As he was bouncing back down the stairs, item in hand the story came on. I heard them say the 35 year old Jordan man was pronounced dead at the scene. The man has been identified as Scott Fahrenkamp. I could not believe my ears. I screamed oh my god, oh my god and went into hysterics. Ed couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and I couldn't catch my breath to tell him. I just laid my head on the dogs head and sobbed as if my heart were breaking, and in fact, it was.

Scott you see, was Shawn's cousin and one of my closest confidants. He helped me get through so many rough patches in my marriage. When I moved out here and didn't know a soul besides the family. He came into Perkins were I worked and had breakfast with me on my breaks at 3 a.m., I constantly tried to set him up with my girlfriends and spent many a night dancing the night away. Shawn, Me, Scott and whatever girl I had drug along for the night. One of my favorite memories of Scott was last Christmas. My mother in law tends to rub me the wrong way at times. She had that effect last year. I decided I needed to go for a drive. Scott noticed right away that I was gone and called and told me to meet him in the driveway. I pulled up and there was Scott. Big goofy grin on his face. He jumped in, picked up the bottle of champagne I had on the seat from the night before and opened it up. We sat in my truck in the driveway for hours drinking that bottle of Champagne and then moving on to a bottle of wine he found in the back seat. I don't even know what we talked about but he had a way of cheering me up and making me feel silly for being down in the first place. I went back into the house and was determined to not let my mother in law get me down. Scott was great that way.

The toughest thing I have ever had to do to date besides telling my Mom of the loss of my still born son was calling my husband at the bar where he was playing poker and telling him that the news story I had told him about earlier was Scott and that Scott was dead. Somehow I found the words. I felt so bad for Shawn but I know how he is, he's a tough guy and doesn't get to emotional. For the first time ever, I focused on me when someone died instead of trying to remain strong for everyone else and having a nervous breakdown months later.

Thursday night was a sleepless one. I tried to lay down but my memories would get the better of me. I finally dozed off around 4 and woke up to Scott's dad calling at 4:30 to make sure we had been contacted. ( I won't go into how he was notified or why we heard it on the news)

I gave up on sleep after that and crawled out of bed around 6. It was a rush to make flight reservations for my in-laws, contact all the family who hadn't been contacted yet and get my kids off for school. I tried to lay down for a nap around 10 but the ringing phone wouldn't allow it. When I walked into my girlfriends house at noon she point blank told me I looked like hell. You know that is a good friend when you ar insulted by her telling you how bad you look.

Friday night Shawn's aunt called to give me the funeral arrangement details and tell me what details she knew of the accident. I knew the semi had started on fire. In my fantasy world he was dead or unconscious before the cab started on fire. I would have been fine believing that little fantasy for the rest of my life. What I was told will cause me nightmares for years. 2 passers-by tried to get Scott out of the semi but were over come by intense heat and flames. They could hear him screaming inside of the truck and couldn't get to him. By time the fire department arrived he was gone. He had just filled the truck full of diesel, it took them 4 hours to put the blaze out.When they finally got it out there was next to nothing of him left to identify. They are still looking for dental records on him.

Saturday we picked my in-laws up from the airport and went to the tracks where he was hit. We just didn't understand, how did he not see the train? What we found was a blind crossing. Trees blocking the view of the tracks. He was pushed hundreds of feet down the tracks, over some bushes and up against the fence of a baseball field. The ground was all black and the bushes were burnt. It was heartbreaking.

Yesterday was the wake. We spent 5 hours at the funeral home. My girlfriend Sam went with, she had dated Scott at one point and remained close friends with him until the end. I was so glad she was there. We were a huge support to each other.

Today was the funeral. It was surreal. I was looking at a picture of Scott on the program in his jeans and t-shirt. I swear I could hear him telling me I should be in jeans, why was I crying? I should be laughing and drinking and celebrating him. I know that is what he wanted. Why we did the sad funeral dressed in black is beyond me.We should have had a party. He lived every day like it was his last party. I think I owe him one more. Sometime soon Sam and I will go sit in my truck in the driveway and drink a bottle of wine and laugh about what a character Scott was, maybe then I can let him go. For now he is still down the road and won't return my calls.

 

My baby is growing up!! Waaaa. Yesterday he shaved for the first time. I can hardly believe it. Seems like just yesterday that he pee'd in my hair when I gave him his first bath. Man time flies. (so did the pee back then)

My baby girl on the other hand is only four and is moving out. She came home last night from Keely's house and announced she was moving in with Keely. I said "oh yeah what brought this about" she replies "I was there so long I just have to move in". I forgot about it until she said she needed to go pack her clothes so she can move. Man oh man. I tell her "honey you can't move to Keely's, you live here with me". She cried as if her heart were breaking. She carried on for at least 20 minutes until I called Holly to see if Keely could spend the night Thursday night. Catastrophe ended.

Since I have the time off work Shawn and I have been working on finishing our basement. We finally have all of the hardwood flooring in, the wainscoting on the walls, shelf ledge about the wainscoting and all of the trim done. Now we just need to get the wall built for the laundry room and the ceiling up and we will be good. The best part of all of this is the time Shawn and I spend together. We always have a good time working on projects together. The best, best part is all of the shopping I have got to do. I was able to take a day trip to Ikea!!

I interviewed with the new management today. It went great. He said he has heard good things about me from everyone. He was impressed with all of my experience and asked me to train when they hire new people. Yay for me, that is more money an hour!! He also said to let him know when I want to train to bartend! I asked for that for 6 months and was never given the opportunity. I was also given the shifts I asked for. It went really well! I was hired on the spot but was told not to say anything because he has been telling everyone he would call and let them know after he got through all of his interviews. So all went well and I won't be jobless anymore. It's been a long week and a half for sure. I have way to much energy to be a stay at home mom.

On a more serious note a lady on a board I post on mentioned going to the gym and how she doesn't like to go because the skinny girls look at her funny. You know it's difficult being one of the skinny girls that the heavy girls glare at. You know they hate you. Is it fair for the heavy girls to despise the skinny girls? I mean it's not my fault that I was born with a high metabolism and the pride of self that motivates me to eat well and hit the gym from time to time to keep myself looking good. Do those heavy girls really hate us skinny girls or do they just hate themselves so much that it is easier to put their self loathing onto someone that reflects what they hate so much about themselves. No matter what I just want to put it out there that thin person discrimination exists just as much as fat person discrimination. The heavies look at the skinny's and think go eat a cheese burger. The skinny's look at the heavy's and think put down that cheeseburger. Seems everyone always wants what they don't have. Such is life I suppose.

My dog needs a pedicure and my boobs are okay!

This adorable little mutt caused me a panic attack and an allergy attack last night!! Shawn and I are finishing our basement which means everything from two rooms down there is crammed into one room. The one room being the laundry room. I heard my little man whimper then yelp. He never does either. He was frantically trying to get out from under the debris all over the laundry room but wasn't able to move because his back legs no longer worked. Now Shawn has had this old man since before we got together and the dog liking me was the ultimate test before Shawn could get serious with me. Let's just say I am very attached to the old guy. I immediately dropped everything in my hands which included a paint brush full of stain onto our newly installed hard wood floor and ran over to see what was up. My first thought was holy shit something fell on him and either both of his back legs are broken or his back is broken. That prompted me to scream in panic for Shawn to hurry because something was seriously wrong with Deeogee. Shawn came running, took one look and said "oh f#&k, oh f#&k!" which prompted me to tears. After a careful look he assessed that he had the claws from both back paws and a front paw wrapped up in grid like piece of metal from one of the kids shelves. I ran for the clippers while Shawn tried to hold Deeogee still. No such luck. He wouldn't hold still and I couldn't find the dog clippers. He yells forget it get the tin snips out of the garage. This is where my blondness comes in. I yell back that he can't cut the dogs nails with tin snips because he would cut to deep and make him bleed. I almost had that out when it occurred to me that he could cut the shelf. Duh!! Deeogee was in a full blown panic by time I got back. He was trying to bite at Shawn while he was trying to free him, which is so uncharacteristic of him. All I could think is our poor old guy was going to have a heart attack and die before Shawn could free him, so I did what I knew would calm him. Even though it caused me a major allergy attack. I started cooing to him and rubbing my face on his. It took 10 minutes from start to finish to free him but my face itched for hours. Oh well my baby is safe and sound. After he was rescued he promptly ran for his spot on the couch and could only be coaxed down with a bribe of fresh turkey in gravy that I made for dinner yesterday. After his snack he went back to the couch and looked and me like he wanted to know where the heck his blankie was. I covered him up and he stayed on the couch all night watching the action in the living room. He still hasn't been back down stairs.

I went to the doctor today to have my left breast checked out. I was having a greenish colored discharge from my nipple. Thank god it is nothing! I have a major sinus infection that is infecting my entire body. She scheduled an ultra sound just to be safe but is confident that when I am done with my antibiotic the green will be yellow again lol. Here's hoping she is right.

Skylee needs her kindergarten shots as well so she got them today. 5 shots into her tiny little legs. Poor baby, her legs are so stiff and sore. I gave her a bath earlier and some pain medicine. She is now sleeping on the couch between me and the dog. I hope she feels better tomorrow. Shots are a hated thing.

Saturday was a really hard day for me. It was my last night at work with my current co-workers and management. I really hope I am hired back at the end of the month along with everyone else and we can all be a crew again.  Shawn came and picked me up from work, the bartender forgot to ring up all of our drinks that night so there is no way I could have drove. We went over to some friends of his for a poker party. It was awesome!!! Shawn won $120 and I won $15 lol. I am becoming a poker addict. I can't wait until the end of January. Shawn plays in the state poker tournie so I will hit a few tables of my own lol.

Anyway that is about it. I am surprised by the new readers. I don't know how you found me but I am happy you did. Leave me a link so I can check out your journal. I am also a blog addict!!

I wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous '06!!

Baking cookies

As I set here typing Ed (14 yo) is helping his 2 little sisters bake cookies in their new Easy Bake oven. How sweet? I remember my older brothers doting on me and doing so many wonderful things like that with me. It makes me really happy that maybe my kids will all have the same bond when they are older that I do with my siblings now.

The holidays have been wonderful so far. Christmas Eve Shawn and I went to the grocery store together. Sometimes the smallest things done together are the best. We picked up all the fixings for Christmas dinner. When we got home our Christmas present had been delivered by fed-ex. We took out a second mortgage and the check had arrived. Yay!

Later that afternoon we met our neighbors for church. I am more of a go to church out of obligation than enjoyment kind of person. Surprisingly I really enjoyed the service. The speaker was phenomenal and I was sad when it ended. I looked over at Holly and she was in tears. He really was good. We came home for some dinner and then headed across the street for some wine.

Hannah and their daughter Keely who i'm sure I have mentioned here before are best friends so the girls exchanged presents. I was surprised when Holly handed me a bag and said she had something for me. I protested about how she shouldn't have, she goes onto say how helpful I was when Talon was born and how thankful she is I watch Keely on Fridays for her and what a good friend I am to her. Which all brought me to tears, moments after I was teasing her about being such a big baby and crying at church. I have no idea how we ended up with such good neighbors but I am glad we did.

I read all of our kids the night before Christmas and then we headed home to open our one present before getting into pajamas and tucked into bed. The kids went to bed so easily after we checked NORAD and saw that Santa was just above us in Canada!! Santa had came and went before 11!!

Christmas day we were up early, very early. The girls squealed with delight after opening every present and Matthew hugged me a million times. Everyone had received what they had asked Santa for and mom and dad didn't do so bad either.

Shawn's little sister Tina came over for Christmas dinner and played with the kids and there new toys. I had to retire for a nap. We ended the day with our traditional drive around town to look at Christmas lights.

It was different to be home this year without a gaggle of family around but it was very nice. Although Shawn won't admit it, he was really happy to have his baby sis here. We also got the news that his brother whom has been missing for at least 4 years was located and is at least alive. We have no additional information and no one plans on contacting him. It's just nice to hear that he is alive!

Merry Christmas everybody!!

I just love the holiday season. All the hustle and bustle and the stress of trying to get it all done. But done it finally is...well almost. I forgot about candy for the stockings.

Last Saturday we had a holiday party for neighbors, friends, co-workers and Shawn's sister. What a great time!! We finally headed to bed at 3:15. I love being able to get together with my friends, feed them 'til they can't move and get them so merry with wine that they don't care to. My wonderful hubby ended up worshiping the porcelain god. Good times lol

Today we are off to the grocery store to buy the roast beast. Then off to church with our neighbors then home again home again for some wine and exchanging presents with all of our kids. I really love our neighbors! We got lucky.

Tonight the 24 hours of the Christmas Story starts!! That is our holiday tradition since Shawn and I have been married. To heck with Jimmy and his Wonderful Life, we'll take a kid in a bunny suit on Christmas any day!!

I want to wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas! I hope you get more than coal in your stockings! :)

 

WTF??

Have you ever had one of those days that shook you to your very core? One that made you evaluate your whole life, one that makes you wonder what's next?? I had that very day today. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not a crier. Today I am all cried out.

It started as any Friday night at the Corral. I jammed out on my drive to work preparing to have a phenomenal night. Lots of tips and lots of laughs, I walked in and was greeted with an obituary. One of my favorite servers had died before life even began for her. 23 years old and dead. So much potential. I couldn't contain myself. Here come the tears. The other servers stared at me, what was up with me? She worked with us for such a short time and it was so many months ago. Why the water works? Why? Because she was such an amazing young soul with so much potential and do much life inside of her. She definitely lived life to it's fullest. Maybe she knew.

I decided to wipe away my tears and go on with the night. I didn't want to think about all that opportunities missed out on. I wanted to think about all she had lived for. Life goes on for the living.

Come the end of the night our manager called a meeting out of no where. Every single employee was in attendance. She didn't get a word out before her water works started. It seems the owner has decided to get out of the restaurant business, effective December 31. 11 years, 11 years and he is out. We are all out, out of a job. Hello! End to one of the saddest nights I have ever known professionally.

All I want to do is go pray for a life that ended way to soon, an angel in heaven that was really an angel here on earth. She earned her wings before she ever learned to fly, rest in peace Cassie.

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Hannah's birthday pics! :)

Catching up...damn phone

Why is it every time I sit down to catch this thing up the phone starts ringing? Is it the God's trying to tell me I just shouldn't do it??

Update on Matthew's teacher dilemma. I received a letter from her this weekend saying she knew how upset I was and came up with some ideas on how we can be pro active in Matthew's education process. Well, damn it took her long enough. I will now be signing all of his homework so that she knows I know what he is working on and what to help him with. I will also be receiving an email from her letting me know daily if his homework is turned in or not. Miraculously he has started paying more attention in class. I guess the stern talking to helped. I feel so relieved. I was so afraid my 8 year old was going to flunk out of 3rd grade.

Saturday was Hannah's third birthday. I had her little best friend's Mom drop her off here at 8 am for a morning full of surprises. I loaded them up in my truck and started driving. They hadn't a clue where we were going. When we pulled into my work they thought we were just stopping to grab something. Little did they know what was in store for them.

We settled in for some breakfast. When they were done eating they were eager to get on with the surprise for the day. I told them to hang tight for a bit and we would get going. About that time Santa pulled up outside the window in a horse drawn carriage!! It was like a kiddie rock concert. So many little kids jumping up and down screaming!! It was awesome!! Made my grinchie heart grow 3 sizes that day lol. Santa came in and read them stories and sand songs, told jokes and such. Hannah was a bit scared of him but warmed up to him eventually. Then it was picture time. Too cute! We had brought in a sleigh with red velvet seats the night before. The picts were adorable.

We went out for a sleigh ride after that. It was so beautiful I can't describe it and do it the justice it deserves. It was snowing huge beautiful snow flakes and we were being pulled around on the fresh snow by two beautiful white percheron stallions. It was breathtaking. Me and my girls.

Since she didn't have a full blown party we drug the special day out by letting her open a present every few hours. The highlight of the day was the last gift. Her Dora playhouse. She has slept in it every night since then.

That's all I have the patience for now. More later, and picts! :)

Ads....Again

I could have swore a while back AOL came out with this new version that was able to filter spam and block pop-ups with a few easy clicks of the mouse. That worked great for a while. I wonder if they could tell me how to block the pop-ups they allowed in. You know the ones they make millions off of?

Nothing irritates me more than finding something I really want to check out and having some blinky, flashing, neon colored GIF blind me the second I open up the page.

I would love to just say screw you AOL!!

Sitting here staring at a blank screen wondering what to say. I started this journal as a place for me, a place to get the things in my life off my chest. A place to vent, just for me. I wasn't going to let people reading influence what I have to say or cause me to hold back from letting my scream out. Somehow that has happened. I have held back. I went private for a while so I could get what I wanted to vent out and ended up deleting all of those entries before I returned to the public. Tonight I am letting my thoughts out and letting the public read them.

As a few of my close friends know my marriage has been rocky for quite some time. I will take full blame for it. I always want more. More love, more attention, more recognition, more adoration, more patience, more of a love of life. Anyone who knows me in real life (and I sincerely hope one of them read this blog) know that I have a passion for life. I am a grab life by the balls and have a great time at it kind of girl. I love being happy. I love dancing around the house, singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs, sharing a bottle of wine and a bunch of laughs with my girlfriends, telling raunchy jokes, catching someone's eye and smiling at them with the hope my smile will make them smile. Happiness is a choice we all make and I consciously chose every day of my life to be happy. I may stray and have a down day but for the most part I am a happy, happy girl. Not today. Today I am letting shit bug me. There are certain things about my husband that I know have really been major things with me for years and every few months over all of these years I try and talk with him about all of the short comings in our marriage and what we should do to go about fixing them. This man loves being miserable as much as I love being happy. I asked him tonight what I can do to help him be happy. He says make me debt free. I voiced my concerns that money is all it would take to make him happy when most men would be truly happy to have a beautiful wife that takes pride in her appearance instead of frumping around in sweats day after day and four fantastic children whom to me are the entire reason for my existence. I was hit with a reply about how conceited I am. ::sigh:: I tried to explain the difference between conceit and self confidence. It completely fell on the deaf ears of a man with no self confidence at all. I blame his mother. I blame her for everything. My husband is a case study in bad parenting. Complete and total lack of involvement on her part has led to a man who's only communication skills are to lash out, accuse me of bitching and flee the room. A man who is more than happy to sit on the couch and watch tv or play cards on the internet while life passes him by. It saddens me deeply. We are two complete extremes, the person with a zest for life and all it has to offer and the person who will wish on there death bed that they had lived. How does one make a marriage work like that and how do I help enable him to be happy?

Buncha Nothing

Today is just a blah, blah, blah day. Not much to write about but I feel compelled to make an entry. I hate letting this thing sit to long.

I went to parent teacher conferences last night for the middle two. Sky's teacher blurted out Skylee doesn't wear underwear sometimes. WTF?? She wears underwear, she is just so damn skinny that her pants won't stay up and her little butt crack shows sometimes. Sooooo, I can put pants on her that fit her waist and are 8 inches to short or they can fit the length and be to big around the waste. A belt doesn't work. What to do?

After that embarrassing conversation we went to Matt's class. The teacher got with us about 10 minutes late, leaving 5 minutes for our conference. She hands me his report card that is absolutely horrid in all subjects she teaches and great in all the ones she doesn't. She asks me if I have any problems with the report card and acted shocked when I said yes the whole thing. I tried several times to cut into her rambling with a question. None were ever answered. Just danced around. I asked point blank what I could do to help him and was given an explanation about how he doesn't ask questions in class. What would be the point of asking one when she obviously does not know how to answer one. I finally just cut her off and said look, this report card is not Matthew, I am frankly stunned with what I am seeing, not to mention that I never received any call saying she had so many concerns. I proceeded to tell her how he has pulled straight A's since kindergarten and I wanted him to get the help he needed before the end of the year, her reply was oh really, his former teacher has told me what a problem child he is and that he has trouble listening. I said hmmm, no one but you has ever mentioned a thing about any of this. She said Mrs. Schmitz specifically told me these things. This is when she about got to see my full fury. I said Matthew has never been taught by a Mrs. Schmitz. His teacher last year was Mrs. E. She promptly said well our time here is up if you ever have questions or concerns feel free to drop in or give me a call. Grrrrr. I want to drop something but it isn't in. It was an absolutely humiliating night for me that left me feeling sub par as a parent to say the least. I came home and sobbed into my pillow for a bit, wiped the tears away and came out to play Mom. Ya know, my kids may not be the best listeners(?), or be too skinny with too long legs but they are mine and as long as they grow up with love in there hearts, morals, and a decent education than I have done the job I set out to do the day I discovered they were tiny beans in my belly.

Ya know when I watch Malcom in the Middle it reminds me of my family just replace Malcom and Dewey with girls and you have my life lol.

 

Onto other news, Thanksgiving is just a few days away. I was a flurry of activity all day. Last minute preparation. All I really accomplished was getting the hallway painted which should have been done months ago when the rest of the house was done. Tomorrow will be the deep cleaning (with all 4 kids home from school) and all the food preparation that can be done before the big day. Topped off by a trip to the gym since I haven't been there since last Monday. ::sigh:: Why do I do this to myself? Why do I insist on hosting thanksgiving for the whole family including adult cousins? Either I am a glutton for punishment or I secretly get a rush from cramming so much cleaning and cooking into a two day period.

We interupt this regularly scheduled journal to bring you this cheezy ad banner

The whole world has gone mad. The j-land world that is. Seems those pesky ads AOL has added at the top of the journal has seriously pissed some people off. I guess I really don't have an opinion.

I understand why everyone is up in arms but I also understand why they are there. Being worth billions isn't enough for AOL Time Warner they want to be worth quadrillions. I am curious if it would make a difference for them to lose thousands of members. Would they just make up for the loss of customers with the revenue of all those ads?

When the message boards started changing over several people were up in arms, threatening to leave AOL. I thought yeah right, a bunch of blow holes. Oh hell was I wrong. One board I have read for years and even was a message board host for went from a booming board of thousands of posts a week to less than one hundred a week. Now people are threatening to leave AOL because of a banner across the top of their journal. I hope they leave, I hope AOL loses so many customers that they have to go completely free because no one will pay for there so called services anymore. I just hope before everyone leaves they leave a link to their new journal in their old one so I can keep up with everyone's lives.

 

PS Happy 1st Birthday Loreli

Organization??

It's no secret that I am a Mom of several children. I have been parenting for quite a stretch of time. 14 + years now. In those 14 + years I have had a hand in rearing 7 children. How the hell I have done it is beyond me. My problem? Organization. I have no idea how to organize the things in this house of many rugrats. It has become my achilles heal so to speak.

The disorganization in this house has drove me beyond batty. The very expensive haven we had built into our master suite for bathing and relaxing has turned into my worst nightmare. Nothing very relaxing about it. I have a penchant for reading in there. I read everything I can get my hands on. Therefore it is covered ceiling to wall with reading material. What the heck do Ii do with all of the pages I must peruse? I have a magazine rack. It is filled to overflowing.

My laundry room needs a good washing. I wish I could throw the whole thing into the washing machine and have it come out clean and organized. Will that ever happen? Probably not. I have a wonderful book shelf in the room meant to hold lovely containers for winter hats, scarves and mittens. All summer long it is full and works well. Come winter it is empty and there isn't a stocking cap to be found. There must be a very well dressed snowman somewhere in the neighborhood. I started a sock box for all the strays that aren't matched during laundry folding day. Thing is I started skipping the matching part and started throwing them all straight into the box. I figured I could just match them all later. Sock folding has now become a 2 hour event once a month when the kids scream their toes are frozen and the teacher insists they must wear socks in gym. The storing of the clothes that do get folded is my next area of insanity. I fold them all stack them on the hockey table that has taken residence in the laundry room and holler for the kids to come get them and put them away. They actually get put away half the time. The other half of the time they stay put on that table until I get irritated and haul them all up the stairs to tuck them neatly into the dressers they belong in, that is until I walk into the room the dresser lives in and find the clothes I just washed yesterday thrown all over the floor while the owner of said clothes was looking for the perfect shirt to wear with the coolest pair of jeans they own. Grrrrr. I have begged Shawn numerous times to please haul all of the dressers down to the laundry room so I could put the clothes away myself and monitor all activity going on in the drawers of the dressers. Yet, the dressers are still in the rooms. I'm not sure if it's because he hates my idea or is afraid to wade through the clothes tsunami in the rooms to get the dressers out for me.

I cannot even go into what my kitchen cupboards look like inside or what to do with the 3 junk drawers I have, the closets that must have missing children lost inside of their depths or the toys and such that live under the couch.

How in the world do I even begin to organize this house??

October!!

Here it is November 7th. One week into November and I didn't posted anything at all in October. What a busy month it was.

Sky turned 6 on October 3rd. She had her first real birthday party with friends rather than just neighbors and family. What a great time she had! She is growing up so quickly. I know...all Mom's say that.

October is also the height of apple season for us at work. I busted my ass for an entire month, can't complain though, I make more money in one month of apple season than I do all summer. What did I do with all that money you ask? I did what any red blooded girl would. I shopped!! I love to shop. Now that November is here and all has slowed down at work I am taking some much needed time off. Just in time to hit it hard again in December for all of the Christmas parties. Or should I call them holiday parties? Still on the work subject, I have begged and pleaded to train to bartend, I know how to bartend, I did so in my previous life (before hubby).  I just really need a change. I have been serving for 12 years now. I love it, I consider myself a career server. I am great at my job and make more money doing it than most people would even realize. It's just time to shake it up a bit.

I joined the gym in October too. I am loving it. Good-bye flabby ass hello nice, firm, hard ass. Yay!! I get a whole lot of you don't need the gym you look great. I'm sure I do but I grew up a skinny girl, many thought I was anorexic. Now that I am 15 lbs over my norm I feel flabby and am determined to get back down to where I want to be. I also tan every time I go to the gym...I want to be a tanned hard ass. Am I vain??

Now for the grand finale of October....THE HALLOWEEN PARTY!!! It is the party to end all parties, it is when everyone in our cul-de-sac lets down their hair and gets wild and crazy. Truly desperate housewives gone wild. I love this party. It takes months to plan it, days to set up for it and hours to get so trashed all you make it through is 3-4 hours but those are the funnest 3-4 hours of the whole year. Ok maybe not the funnest (I kept my shirt on the whole night) but pretty darn close. Shawn was a flasher, what a riot!! I made him a huge schlong out of nylons with massive balls. Great fun. He had more housewives lips around his Johnson than he ever has in his life, too bad for him it was the fake Johnson, not the real one. I was a cute little vampirette. Next year I am going as an angel. One of these years I have to be good. 

As for actual Halloween, I spent the afternoon volunteering in Sky's class. I love that stuff. The kids all know me and seem to really like me. Skylee dressed up as snow white, Hannah as Hello Kitty and Matthew as a punk rocker (I'll tell you a story about green hair dye later). It was a wonderfully warm evening. I dropped Daddy and the little munchkins off 6 blocks away and came home to make the traditional chicken noodle soup and pass out candy. We had the most trick-or-treaters this year than ever before. 

Fun, fun fun :)