Oooh that smell....

So some of you may remember the hell that was Chantix.
I am in a whole different sort of hell right now but it's a good hell if hell can be good.

4 days ago I quit smoking!! I really wanted to blog about this but it was hard to type the words with my hands balled into fists.

Last Monday I came down with cold. It sucked. Around 7:30 Wednesday night, I could barely breathe through my stuffed up nose but there I was sucking on a cigarette. How stupid of me I thought, then I made a split second decision. I said, in my head cause out loud would have made me think myself a bit crazy, I said, help me through this, take care of me and I'll take care of myself. I would like to report that from there it was all sunshine and roses, that I have been walking on a cloud bathed in sunshine but that would be a total lie and I don't want to lie to you. It has been hell, pure hell, hell mixed with more hell, covered with hell, with more hell poured on top. Glorious hell.

So that was Wednesday night. Thursday I did really well. I woke up, made myself a doctors appointment over the phone which I cried through, yelled at my husband for even suggesting I drive myself, cried some more. Cried even more on the drive there. So i'll admit, At roughly 11:22 I caved and smoked so I could speak to the doctor like a half sane woman. Thursday night I had 2 drags. How freakin' gross it tasted. I man nasty, gross wanna throw up gross. That was the last one. No more giving in.

Friday was great. I walked around with my fists clenched, my teeth clenched and kept myself very busy. Not only was I still feeling like shit, I skipped my studio shoot and wasn't smoking. Really it wasn't all that bad. I kept myself rather busy. Instead of driving 35 minutes into the studio I walked 35 seconds downstairs and spent the entire day in my own studio. I came up with some fairly good stuff if I do say so myself. I watched Shawn start his garden in-doors and went to Sky's presidential conference, where I didn't cry, snap at anyone of clench my teeth. Score!!

Saturday was a whole other story. I would like to pretend Saturday didn't happen if you don't mind. Saturday I spent the entire day bouncing between crying like a baby, screaming at my husband and cleaning to stay busy. That is all I did the entire day. I think I cried and screamed more than cleaned. Lets just says it was one of those days that i'm not proud to admit happened. At some point I called my Mom in tears. She probably has no idea what the hell I was saying but she is a good Mommy, assured me I am strong and can do this and that she is proud of me. I ended the day from hell with movies, locked in my room all alone.

Which leads to today. DAY 4!! God I love day 4. Day 4 I have only had a few easy peasy
I love day 4!!
I think I can do this ya'll!

PS the worst side effect I wasn' prepared for is the ability to smell. Nothing like the smell of stale cigarette smell, rotten feet and nasty assed dog. cravings. I haven't yelled or balled or clenched. My fingernails are the only casualties of the day and I only called my Mom for a recipe. Not to cry.