God Speed, Speed.

I can't believe it, time rolls by so quickly. It has already been a week since we buried one of the greatest men I have ever known.
Before I was born my Mom was married to my brothers Dad. They divorced, Mom remarried, I was born and then my sister. Luckily for my sister and I my Mom kept a good relationship with her ex husbands family. That family took my sister and I in and loved us like we were their own blood. They certainly didn't have to.
Grandma Fritz was one of my favorite people and to this day I aspire to be the kind of loving, giving, accepting person she was. Grandpa Speed was a great man, he served in world war 2 after he was already married and already a father. He came back to the states ran a farm and later his own car company. As I kid I thought GMC stood for Gulley Motor Company. It was at that car dealership one Easter Gramps had a give away that included a huge Easter basket and the largest stuffed rabbit I have ever seen in my life. That rabbit was taller than a little me was. Probably a good 5 feet or so. Well one day while at my Grandma Bower's house there was a knock at the door. That knock was for my, it was Grandpa Speed delivering that huge stuffed rabbit. The rabbit I was never entered to win. Favortism? Maybe, after all I wasn't blood related so it was perfectly legal for me to win. That rabbit was named Harvey and became my best friend for several years. I had no secrets that Harvey didn't know.
That was the kind of man Gramps was. He took in several grand kids over the years when there parents were unable to care for them for whatever reason. There house was a refuge for many a stray teenager over the years. He and Grandma Fritz were amazing people.
When I learned of Gramps death I cried of course but not from sadness. He lived 91 years on this earth, 21 of them without his beloved Fritz. I cried tears of joy that he and Grandma would now be reunited in heaven. Two Friday's ago heaven became a better place. Rest in peace Gramps.

PS I promise to locate a picture of Harvey and I and post it.

'Mater

My husband is super gardener. I think it may be the only thing in life he truly enjoys besides hunting. Every year he tends to get a jump on starting the garden way to early. He tills in February if we have no snow. Okay, that's probably an exaggeration. Definitely March though. This year he decided to start his plants indoors the beginning of February.

He just asked me if I thought 17 tomato plants are to many. Lord help us all, we still have whole tomatoes in the freezer from last summers garden and that was only 5 plants. Hope the neighbors are prepared to have enough tomatoes to can with.

Hannah in the prized garden.

Facebook

Did you know....that my photos are on facebook? Lots more photos than I have the time or patience to post here. Photos of people and animals and floods and buildings. Lots and lots of photos. Why aren't you a fan? You would see stuff like this......

Become a fan!!

Nothin'

So it's been 3 weeks and a few days since I haven't smoked. Mind boggling to me. It has been much easier than I ever imagined. I've made it through a blow out with my husband, a drunken attack by a friend and a bunch of smaller things and haven't caved. I am well aware that I am minutes away from caving at any given time and that's the craving I fight.

For quite some time a major source of stress between my husband and I was my supreme unhappiness at being any where but home near my family. It has been at the root of every major fight we have ever had and the source of any and all depression I've ever had. I have bitched and moaned and complained since the day we moved here that I hate it here and I want to go home. I have given it plenty of time and opportunity and I have tried to be happy here and for a time I was. For about 4 years we had friends that felt like family and I was truly happy here. They moved, others moved, I tried but eventually started hating this place again. Winter, coupled with quitting smoking, Shawn being laid off again and a bunch of other things brought that familiar homesick feeling back to the surface.
In the past when I tried to discuss these feelings with my husband I was met with reasons we can't leave. Reasons why he won't leave and most of the time he flat out pretended he was deaf when I would bitch. Something was much different this time though. I put my feelings out there, he put his feelings out there and he agreed we could go back. I know we can't. We have far too many responsibilities here but it is nice to have him understand how I feel instead of making excuses. It is amazing how much lighter my heart feels.
Now if I could make a decision about the other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind I might be completely free and breezy. That is a feeling I could live with!

2 weeks and a question

I have been smoke free for 2 weeks!

Things I like about not smoking....

The smell of things. I can smell so many things now that I couldn't before.
Not smelling bad! My hair smells so yummy and so does my pillow.
Breathing easier.
All the extra money I don't notice I have. Seriously. How did afford cigarettes? There doesn't seem to be one extra dime in the checking account.
Did I mention the smells?

Things I miss about smoking...

My sanity. Has anyone seen my sanity?
The ability to make it through the day without tears.
Having something to do. I am so bored. What do I do with all the time I spent smoking?


My question for my readers that have quit smoking...did you fall into a crushing depression? I feel so out of sorts. Sad. Full of hate. Hopeless. Blech. This is so not me.
I don't even know if the two have anything to do with each other. The timing just seems to be there. The thing is I have no desire to smoke at all. I have very few cravings. I truly feel done and I feel happy about that so why the depression? Cabin fever? Any thoughts anyone?

Oooh that smell....

So some of you may remember the hell that was Chantix.
I am in a whole different sort of hell right now but it's a good hell if hell can be good.

4 days ago I quit smoking!! I really wanted to blog about this but it was hard to type the words with my hands balled into fists.

Last Monday I came down with cold. It sucked. Around 7:30 Wednesday night, I could barely breathe through my stuffed up nose but there I was sucking on a cigarette. How stupid of me I thought, then I made a split second decision. I said, in my head cause out loud would have made me think myself a bit crazy, I said, help me through this, take care of me and I'll take care of myself. I would like to report that from there it was all sunshine and roses, that I have been walking on a cloud bathed in sunshine but that would be a total lie and I don't want to lie to you. It has been hell, pure hell, hell mixed with more hell, covered with hell, with more hell poured on top. Glorious hell.

So that was Wednesday night. Thursday I did really well. I woke up, made myself a doctors appointment over the phone which I cried through, yelled at my husband for even suggesting I drive myself, cried some more. Cried even more on the drive there. So i'll admit, At roughly 11:22 I caved and smoked so I could speak to the doctor like a half sane woman. Thursday night I had 2 drags. How freakin' gross it tasted. I man nasty, gross wanna throw up gross. That was the last one. No more giving in.

Friday was great. I walked around with my fists clenched, my teeth clenched and kept myself very busy. Not only was I still feeling like shit, I skipped my studio shoot and wasn't smoking. Really it wasn't all that bad. I kept myself rather busy. Instead of driving 35 minutes into the studio I walked 35 seconds downstairs and spent the entire day in my own studio. I came up with some fairly good stuff if I do say so myself. I watched Shawn start his garden in-doors and went to Sky's presidential conference, where I didn't cry, snap at anyone of clench my teeth. Score!!

Saturday was a whole other story. I would like to pretend Saturday didn't happen if you don't mind. Saturday I spent the entire day bouncing between crying like a baby, screaming at my husband and cleaning to stay busy. That is all I did the entire day. I think I cried and screamed more than cleaned. Lets just says it was one of those days that i'm not proud to admit happened. At some point I called my Mom in tears. She probably has no idea what the hell I was saying but she is a good Mommy, assured me I am strong and can do this and that she is proud of me. I ended the day from hell with movies, locked in my room all alone.

Which leads to today. DAY 4!! God I love day 4. Day 4 I have only had a few easy peasy
I love day 4!!
I think I can do this ya'll!

PS the worst side effect I wasn' prepared for is the ability to smell. Nothing like the smell of stale cigarette smell, rotten feet and nasty assed dog. cravings. I haven't yelled or balled or clenched. My fingernails are the only casualties of the day and I only called my Mom for a recipe. Not to cry.

Canon vs. Sony

So, let me start this buy saying I am in love with my Sony dslr. I have been a Sony shooter for quite some time and really like a lot of things that Sony has to offer.
Sony however does not offer the ability to shoot tethered to my laptop unless I buy the $2300 full frame camera. Yeah, no.
I need to be able to shoot tethered so I did a bit of research. My number one need beyond the ability to shoot tethered was cost. I have thousands of dollars into my Sony. I planned to still use it as my main camera and buy a cheap Canon to shoot those things I need to shoot tethered.
I ended up settling on a Canon eos XSi. Cheap, a lot of megapixels, tethered software, cheap, cheap.
We had an old lens lying around here off our old Canon film slr. Another reason to choose Canon.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to do a side by side comparison. Sony vs Canon. I knew my Sony was going to win. I mean I was giving it the unfair advantage of my 1.8 50 mm lens. I like to refer to that lens as my lover. I armed the Canon with the kit lens. A 3.5-5.6 18-55 mm. I really wanted my Sony to win. I put them both on the macro setting and started shooting away. Here is the best shot both of them took. Keep in mind it is the same exact flower.
You failed me Sony, you failed me.

Crawdad, crawfish, craydaddy. Whatever

So we have a fish tank full of non standard fair and everything must have a name. We have Turts and Fate the turtles. Goldie and Hawn the goldfish. Orangie and ornga ba dornga sma mornga the small goldfish. Bullet the silver fish who was the last of the ice fishing bait. Sadly his partner Silver died. Hoover the sucker fish and a bunch of other fish whose names escape me because to be fair there are far to many to keep track of.
Last summer Shawn added a crawdad (crawfish, whatever) to the tank. I wouldn't allow anyone to name him because names mean attachments and I wanted to make sure this thing could actually survive before the kids made him a part of the fish tank family. I have secretly been calling him Mr. Crabs. Today I made the awful mistake of calling him that name in front of Skylee and was sorely reprimanded because he isn't a hermit crab or a fiddler crab or any other kind of crab, according to Sky.
So, dear readers, I need your help. What do you suggest we name or crawdad?

Four

Yesterday I rushed around getting ready for school. My first day back at school for the new semester. I left home just a little bit later than I wanted. It took just a little bit longer to get my morning cup of coffee than I wanted it to. I felt just a little bit sick. Okay, a lot sick. This cold is kicking my butt. Not like my last cold where I was down for 5 weeks and really wasn't a cold at all but was the dreaded swine flu with a bit of bronchitis thrown in for good measure. Besides all that I was in a good mood, excited for the first day of school. Just as I was pulling into Jordan I looked over at the train tracks and it all came rushing back to me. I had made it a full hour into my day before I realized it was the day. 4 years earlier at this exact time you were here. Were you getting ready for work? Driving to work? Already at work? I'll never know. I blinked the tears back out of my eyes, the tears I knew would come, would have to come but would have to wait and went about my day trying not to think of you. I couldn't let you in just yet.

I knew on my way home I would have to go to you. Well, not to you exactly but to the place I feel you. The place you lost your life, or it was stolen. The place that holds part of my heart still.
I imagined what I would say to you. "Hi. It's me. I miss you" I would scream into the wind. "Why did you leave? I need to talk to you. I need my friend." This is when the tears started to come. When I pictured your face, thought of all the things I wanted to say.

I veered off 169 to go to the place. The road that winds to the place causes me to tense up still. I feel like I can't breathe every time i'm on that road. I whipped into the parking lot and was foiled by the mounds of snow dumped onto the back road that leads to the tree your semi landed on. The tree that is still broken and blackened from the death of you. "Shit" I said out loud. I swear I heard you laugh. Back out onto the road that causes me to not be able to breath. Across the tracks of the train which took away my best friend. How in the hell do I get down there I thought to myself and then it came to me. The lone footprints of one person who had walked down to your tree. I would have to walk down there too.
The rest I know you had a hand in. I know you were poking fun at me. Laughing. By time I made it down to your tree my heart was hammering, sweat pouring down my face. Legs shaking. You were laughing as I was walking in 12 inches of snow. I stood in front of your tree still broken and black. I shook my head, looked up at the sky. Felt the wind pick up and heard the tinkle of bells. The bells turned out to be something blowing on the fence surrounding the baseball field. The bells turned out to be you. You laughing, always laughing. Laughing with me, laughing at me. You always there with me. I miss you, more than I missed you four years ago today. Every day that goes by I think of you but now I can think of you without crying. I can think of you without feeling like someone punched me in the heart. I can think of you through a thinner veil of pain, a veil than only time can wear down and I thank you for being my friend, one of the best. My partner in crime and the person who "got" me far more than most anyone else has. Thanks for being you.
That's what I wanted to say yesterday before you had your fun with me in the snow.

Hot Shots

Sometimes you have to toot your own horn because no one else is going to toot it for you. These were taken a few months back as a gift for a boyfriend. Go tell Cat how hot she looks cause lord knows she looks hot and lord know she was never going to post them on her own blog.

300!

It's my 300th post ya'll!

I have nothing special planned for this 300th post. I don't even have anything all that pressing to get off my chest. No really funny stories to share. Nothing!

I had the kids get dressed up in their winter clothes this morning and herded everyone down to the studio. I had a very specific type of photo in mind and I think I nailed it!

Why the studio and not outside you ask? Why, because it's 4 degrees below the zero out there today. I just don't function in that kind of weather!

Here is what I took today.

Rock Star

I am probably jinxing myself but with one day left of Christmas break I'll take my chances.
I have to say. I have been blown away with how well my kids have behaved this vacation but one kid imparticular. Matt has been a rock star with his sisters! This is unusual.
He has taken them outside to play in the snow every day of vacation except for yesterday and today and I had to tell them no. It has been subzero highs the last 2 days.
He has played games with them, hung out with them and generally entertained them with only a little bit of harassment and pestering thrown in. Yesterday he and Sky hung out almost the entire day together playing on their laptops. Right now he is letting Hannah beat him up. She is kicking his butt and he is allowing it. Silly kids.
Having said all that, I am sooooo ready for them to go back to school!

Because everyone is doing it.....

....I will too. A year in review. Sorta. Just the highlights.

In 2009 my son became a legal adult, joined the military, went to basic training, graduated basic training and made me the proudest Mama on the planet.

In 2009. I went back to school for something I love and am good at and made my Mama the proudest Mama on the planet. I am carrying a 3.5 GPA which is astonishing if you knew me back in high school and college the first time.

In 2009 Shawn was laid off..twice! We have lived through both.

In 2009 Skylee turned a decade old.

In 2009 I made it through another year of not killing Shawn's dog.

In 2009 the Democrats took control and made me very hopeful for the future...at least temporarily.

In 2009 I posted 100 pictures in 100 days.

In 2009 my Grandmother passed away exactly one week before my birthday.

Lots of other things happened in 2009 but those are what stand out in my mind without going back through my archives and looking. Who wants to look back anyway?? I hope 2010 is better than 2009. I hope the new decade is better than the last decade. More peaceful. One can hope right?
Happy OH TEN readers!

Disgruntled...line 2

I am seriously disgruntled with the town I live in. I hate this place. More than once I have regretted our decision to move to this back ass thinking, stuck in the past, do nothing town.

A few weeks ago the chief of police was fired. He supposedly wasn't doing his paperwork. The real reason I suspect is because he isn't from this area. This place shuns newcomers. The people who have lived here forever ask what side of town you live in. If you say the south side they back away and act like you are about to breathe the dreaded swine flu on them. If you are from the south side you live in the new houses. The houses they never wanted built. The chief that was fired lives on the south side.

We over her don't get our roads plowed very well. The roads over here resemble an ice rink. The roads on the north side are plowed down to the concrete and no one will die just trying to get to the gas station over there.
Speaking of plows, the jackass plow driver took our mail box out on Christmas Eve. Yesterday I was told that they would replace it if the plow hit it but not if the weight of the snow pushed it over. They will go out there and dig it out to see if there is a pock mark from the blade on the cement. If there isn't we are responsible. If there is we are responsible for putting a new one in and they will pay. I know for a fact there won't be a mark there and they won't replace it. Not because the plow didn't hit it but just because we live on the wrong side of town.
I would be all for selling and moving if we could get what we owe but we can't. The house across the street is listed for $65,000 less than what we paid for ours. Yep, I hate this town.

Brrrr!

Brrrr! Darnit, its cold outside! We had a huge storm here last night and now the wind and severe cold have settled in. Is it spring yet??
Today this blog got it's first hater. How awesome is that? I have some jackass that hates me enough to leave me a shitty comment calling me a bitch that he even dug through the archives! Sweet!
Oh and this is the last week of school for the semester, then I have a whole month off! That is even sweeter.
Later gators!

Mommy Moment of the Day

We are down to the last 2 weeks of school. Things are crazy busy here with all the final projects I am working on, one on one time with the kids has been extremely limited. When Hannah asked if she could jump in the shower with me tonight I jumped at the chance to spend some time with her.
As I was squirting shampoo in my hand she stuck her hand out so I gave her some too and started scrubbing at my hair. She soon pipes up and says "I am doing everything you do, I'm just like you!"
She washed her hair the same and rinsed it at the same time I did. She applied conditioner and allowed it to sit on her hair while she washed her body the exact same way I did. Armpits and belly then legs. She was so determined to do it exactly the way I did and mimicked me exactly until I sat down in the bottom of the shower to shave my legs. She sat down too and started brushing her teeth. After all she can't be exactly like me!
That one there, she is too darned cute for her own good!!

In other news, I got a new lens in the mail today. I am in lens love with it, took it out and fired off some practice shots. I think this lens may take my photography to a whole new level. Exciting stuff!

In Your Face...

Generally I try to avoid the news because of my new found anxiety disorder. Not having the news on 24/7 is definitely new to me, I used to be a complete news junkie. There was rarely a news story I hadn't heard. Not anymore. Now the news induces panic. I cannot bare to hear about all the misery in the world. All of those horrible things could happen to me or worse my children. Seeing a story makes my mind wander into dangerous territory so for my own sanity I have started avoiding it.

This morning was different. I was flipping through channels and came across Good Morning America's coverage of a boy who was lit on fire by several other kids for ratting one of them out to the police for theft. The story made me literally ill. It started with feeling nauseous and ended with me sitting in bed with tears rolling down my face. What kind of animals could set another child on fire? What is wrong with this world?

The young boys name was Michael and my tendency to put myself into every tragedy reared its ugly head. My stillborn son's name was Michael. Matthew's twin. The Michael on tv had beautiful blond hair and piercing blue eyes. Just like my Matthew and what my Michael would have looked like. My mind wandered from there.

So, what I am struggling with internally is do I force myself to watch the news and feel all the horrible emotions and anxiety that sit right under the surface or do I tune out, bury my head in the sand and pretend the world around me is a safe place where no evil or tragedy comes to anyone? Is this 24 hour in your face news healthy for the human race or can our minds only process small amounts. Suffering has happened for the ages but it wasn't always a click away. Has that skewed our perception of life and our place in this world?

Deep thoughts for a Wednesday.

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerindex?id=9172454

Studio News!!

Some big things are going on in my life right now and I am super excited!!
I have decided to build a small studio in the downstairs of my house! Yesterday I ordered lights, 2 new lenses and some other techie camera stuff! We drew up plans for building a half wall to keep the kids and the dog out of my area.
Exciting stuff!! Now I need to go find some backgrounds.
I should be open for sessions in a few weeks and I will be running some fabulous deals.
Like I said, I am beyond excited to get rolling with this!!

A few weeks ago the kids and I were at Walmart picking up some groceries when I made the mistake of walking in front of some bitch while she was trying to decide exactly what kind or Oreo's she wanted. I walked passed her a bit and stopped to grab something (not Oreo's). She walked passed me and started grumbling to her husband about some people needing to learn some consideration. I did what any hot blooded blond woman would do. I turned to her and said "Really lady? Really? What the hell is your problem?" Her husband made a bee line to the end of the aisle as soon as I opened my mouth. He knew he wanted no part of me! Ha!

Just moments ago the girls were arguing and one says to the other..."Really lady? Really?" Doh! Right then and there I proclaimed myself mother of the year. My award is in the mail and should be delivered in 6-8 weeks....

Over The Top? Me? Well, Thank You!!

So you wanna know what is really awesome??
Here I am researching my little heart out, trying to figure out the importance of adjusting the resolution of an image and using the correct color profile when printing. When my little email sound thing goes bing alerting me to an email. Of course I clicked right over to see what could be so important (and well looking for an excuse to not do the research). I had an email from Joanie letting me know that she left something for me on her blog .YAY!! I love presents!!
This is what I got!

The rules are as follows.....

~Answer the questions below using only one word (it's harder than it seems!)
~Thank the blogger who gave it to you (See above)
~Pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers (See below)

So here goes... Joanie you rock!! Muchas Gracias! If you all don't read her, why the hell not? You are missing out on one of the funniest, classiest, strongest, hard working women in the world. Get your asses over there!


So, on with the questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? Right behind me on the counter.
2. Your hair? depends what color I have my hairdresser color it. Usually blonde

3. Your mother? Awesome
4. Your father? Near
5. Your favorite food? Mexican
6. Your dream last night? I don't remember
7. Your favorite drink? Dr. Pepper

8. Your dream/goal? Right now, to be done with school and making some money from my photography
9. What room are you in? dining room
10. Your hobby? photography, crocheting, playing pogo, hopelessly addicted to facebook, procrastinating
11. Your fear? one of my kids dying or being badly hurt.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? RICH!! Okay just doing better because the economy is better.
13. Where were you last night? home hungover.

14. Something you aren't? meek or quiet
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? a really kick ass lens, studio lights, misc. camera gear.
17. Where did you grow up? Wyoming
18. Last thing you did? Research then procrastination
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Your TV? 50 in samsung
21. Your pets? Mine? Turts and Fate. Everyone else's. Linus, Deeogee, Clara

22. Your friends? scattered about!
23. Your life? stressful
24. Your mood? stressed out about homework
25. Missing someone? always miss my Mom.
26. Vehicle? Saturn that I want to get rid of
27. Something you're not wearing? bra
28. Your favorite store? there are waaaay to many to name
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? Friday. That bitch.
32. Your best friend? Catherine Nicole.
33. One place that I go over and over? school
34. One person who emails me regularly? facebook notifications LOL

35. Favorite place to eat? Lira's and Papa Chuy's

Now I have to give this away?? Dangit! Only 6??
So the award is called over the top so I am going to choose by who's blogs I think are over the top.
Number one is Zipbag of Bones. If she were not my best friend and I didn't know her well I would think she took a lot of drugs before she posted.

Number two is Mayhem and Magic. Melissa and I have been friends for more than 8 years. She is over the top in a great sort of way!

Third is Better Terms. I have been reading Lisa since I first jumped into this blog game waaaaaay back in the AOL journals days. Lisa is everything I used to want to be in my past life before I changed dreams mid way. She owns a cafe and has my very same political views. How could I not love her?

Four is Nine Peas in A pod. I don't even know how I found Deb or how long ago but she has quickly become one of my favorite reads. She just married a hot guy and inherited a bunch more kids. She is like Super Woman.

Five is Shooting with Slinky. Lenora is one of my favorite photographers. Her images are hugely inspirational for me and I often tell people when I grow up I want to be as good at it as she is.

Last but not least is Sapphire Springs. Formally known as Lunatic Factory. I think Kate's blog is the first one I ever read. She like me is nutso in love with her cats and one of her favorite little dude's in the whole world is named Talan.