Walking in the shadows of the past

Because i'm generally a curious person and because I have my own interests to look after I googled my ex's name today. Since he is ordered to be a registered sex offender his name popped up along with a recent picture.
It made me sad. The guy I knew was cute and had sparkling blue eyes that always had a bit of laughter and mischief in them. The guy I saw today was old and hard with dead eyes.
It really bothers me that two people can travel the same path for so long and end up in entirely different places in life. One person chooses a path that leads them to a full life with a bright future and one person chooses the path that leads them to prison and little to no future. That saddens me. I firmly believe that we are all put on this planet with almost an even start with a few exceptions and it is our job to be what we can be and do what we can to contribute to this place while we are here.
Most people who know me know that I rarely if ever take a look back into the past. It just isn't me, I'm not programmed to think that way. If I were I would be balled up in the corner in the fetal position rocking myself. So, I don't look back and try to only look forward.
Today I looked back and it made me so sad.
I have no idea where I really want to go with this, maybe its just to make myself feel better. Maybe its to mark on a calendar how far I have come in the last decade and a half. All I know is that when someone looks at a picture of me they don't see someone who looks dead on the inside, I hope they see joy and life and because i'm me I also want to say.....
You may have held me down briefly but you never held me back. Because of you I found strength in myself I never knew I had. Because of you I found a fierce need to protect myself and those I love. Because of you I learned about life and the kind of person I want to be.
Look at me now mother fucker, look at me now.

Rammble, ramble, shoot.

How in the world do people keep up with a blog if they work or GO TO SCHOOL?? I can't do more than one thing at a time. If I'm at home I am either buried in homework or have a kid hanging off me whining that they need something or they just want to cuddle. (Insert scream here)

Anyway, I have gotten a few letters from the boy. He is super homesick. Awww. Oh did I tell you all he shipped for basic training? Can't remember.

Life is marching on here. The only photos I have shot lately are for school. Good thing my family is willing to pose for me. I wrote all of this so I can show you this pic I took of the hubby. I love this picture!

Speaking of hubby, he had a great fathers day. Totally pampered. We got him a lawn sweeper and a couple of saws. The kids made stuff for him too. Awww!

I spent all of Saturday doing yard work, shooting photos and staining the deck. Okay, I am obviously exhausted. This post sucks. Peace!

Strawberry Wine....17

There is nothing like red stained fingers on a hot summer evening and come January I will look back at this post and daydream.

Guess the song the title comes from.

The Canines Give This Post Two Paws Up

Last night Shawn, Skylee and I watched Marley and Me. It was hands down the saddest movie I have ever seen. Sadder than Old Yeller and Where the Red Fern grows combined.

I think you have to have lost a dog that you had since puppy hood or have a really old dog to feel the full power of this movie. I have experienced both.

Sammy came to live with us when I was a little girl. We had him for years, gave him away, took him back and had him for the rest of his life span. Sammy was a sweet and naughty little cocker spaniel and I adored him but Sammy isn't the reason this movie hit me so hard. The dogs I have now are.

Shawn owned Deeogee when I met him. He was a cute, obnoxious, vicious, year and a half old puppy when I came into his life. He bit me, my nephew and a day care kid before I finally consulted the vet who's advise was to have him neutered, and neuter him we did. He turned into a whole new dog, sweet and lovable and completely loyal.

Since the day I met him he has had an old soul. He seems so wise and not at all dog like. Everyone who has ever met him has fell instantly in love with his attitude.

Last night I got to thinking after watching the movie all the changes he has seen in is life. From being a bachelors dog who traveled the country and lived in motel rooms to a family dog, protector of 6.

First I was introduced to him, then a young boy and a baby boy. 2 baby girls, 4 houses and 2 states. A few other dog friends and a bunch of cat friends. He has seen every thing since day 1 of our relationship.

In our first house late at night, Shawn was working out of town and someone tried to break in. Dee has the bark of a big dog and alerted me to someone at the window. He scared the person off and possibly saved our lives. From that night on I owed him a debt I will never be able to repay him.

Clara came to live with us as a tiny 5 week old puppy who cried all night long. We spent the first week with her taking turns sleeping with our hands draped over the edge of the bed, stuck inside her kennel to keep her from crying all night. Life with her in the beginning was very much like life with a new baby and she was a very naughty new baby. She whined and barked, chewed on everything, ate walls and the kids toys. Ran away every chance she could and caused a lot of stress between the next door neighbor and us. I'll admit more time than not I hated that dog with every fiber of my being and wanted rid of her. I hated all her bad habits and her fur all over my house. Then last spring we nearly lost her to a bad infection and she and I have been inseparable since.

Although she is only 5 and a half we believe she is near the end of her life. She injured her front shoulder the fall before last and hasn't been right since. She also has rear hip dysplasia but she has all the heart of a puppy and we have to monitor her exercise so she doesn't over exert herself and cause herself more pain.

That is the reason the movie got to me so badly. (Well that and I am a crier at movies, tv shows and even commericals). We have two dogs nearing the end of their lives so when I was watching the movie I wasn't seeing Marley lying under the tree or on the vets table. I was looking at my own two canine children and thinking of what it will do to our family when it is time to make the hardest decision a doggy parent will ever have to make. A decision I wish I never have to make.

A Heartfelt Thanks!

I have to say I have the best readers, friends and Mom in the whole wide world!! Your words of encouragement have been much needed and much appreciated this week. I made it through the first two days without having a break down and have made it to all of my classes without deciding to just drop out. Thanks everyone!!

I took my first math quiz yesterday and aced it! This morning I finished my first Intro to Professional Photography project, I am on a roll! I don't know if Julie reads or not but I have to say, if it weren't for her having the most beautiful flowers in the neighborhood I would have had a hard time finishing my project. So, thanks Julie!!

In other news...the cat learned nothing. I found him in the ice house again a few days ago. Cat says he is suicidal, I have to agree.
The kids last day of school is tomorrow. Bring the crazy on!!

That's about it for today. Must rush off and finish my math homework. Peace!

In Over My Head?

Day one was daunting to say the least. I almost had a panic attack on the drive home, wondering if I will make it. Apparently summer semester isn't the time to load up on classes due to the short span of time you have to learn everything.
According to my math teacher one shouldn't take her class if they are taking any others. She predicts 3 hours of homework a day. Something about getting through the whole book in 4 weeks instead of the 4 months students have during a normal semester. Well shit, I am a mathtard. I threw my pen across the room at least twice last night while trying to do 3 chapters worth of homework.
My Intro to Pro Photog instructor warned me that since I am in his class and the Ambient Lighting class I should expect to live at the school. Shit!
I never thought taking photos would be so daunting. I have 24 photos shot at ISO 200 due tomorrow and it is super cloudy here today. I need light for those photos! I also have to read 2 chapters of my photography text book and be ready to discuss by tomorrow evening, the thing is the book is so boring I am having a hard time reading it. I don't particularly care about ISO and F-stops. Yaaaawn.

Last night I whined on facebook about how I am going to get this whole school thing accomplished without flunking out and still have time to be a Mom and wife, maid and cook around here. I got a whole lot of quityourbitchin's. I wanna bitch!! Its my blog and I'll cry if I want to! I know I can do it I just don't want my kids to feel neglected, they are after all the reason I put this off for so long!
Okay, complaining over. Must go read the most boring textbook ever but hey, at least it has pictures to look at!!

First Day

Today is the big day! I go from being a stay at home Mom to a college student...again. This time I don't plan on having any more babies to put my school days on hold. I am neither really excited or really nervous. I just am....bleh. I blame all the work I did on the deck and in the yard for my blahness. My legs are so sore I can barely walk. I am dreading walking around campus. Maybe I can borrow a wheelchair? Oh and just a note to everyone, if you buy yourself fitflops do not, I repeat, do not try them out the day you will be bending and stooping and lifting and squatting all day. You have no idea if the fitflops actually work or the pain comes from the increased activity.

I love this picture of Matt taken on our camping trip. The sparklers make some cool effects!

S'mores

This is what happens when you give Skylee s'mores!

Fuzzy

Still playing with the camera, still learning. Over the Memorial Day weekend we took the kids camping at the state park near our house. It was literally raining caterpillars. Skylee collected them all weekend and named every one of them Tim Patenty. She could not pronounce Pawlenty. Dirty little republican she is! I'll work on that. We have 3 of them living in a mason jar in the garage because she is convinced they will cocoon. We'll see.

I start school next Monday so my very limited time will turn into no time. What was I thinking heading back to school in the summer?? I'll try to keep everyone posted on how it all goes when I get the chance.

Curiosity killed the cat...almost

Last Monday morning I woke up and realized the cat wasn't in the house. I figured Shawn or Matt had let him out and he was down at the pong terrorizing small animals. Monday night the cat hadn't came back and I was starting to worry. We have had Linus for five and a half years and he has never taken off for more than a day or so. There was this one time when he got locked in the girls' room when we were out of town but the neighbor who was animal sitting rescued him and we didn't really know he was gone so that doesn't really count. Anyway....
By Tuesday night I was in a full on panic and called the police department and animal control. Neither had picked him up. Wednesday and Thursday came and went with no kitty. This morning I resigned myself to the fact that my ki-ki was gone and wasn't coming back. I briefly thought about throwing out his scratching box and emptying the litter box and putting it away.

This afternoon I had several interviews set up with babysitters, Shawn was trying to pack for camping and the kids were running around like little banshees. Shawn came in and out of the house asking if I knew where things were located. He made it a point not to bug me during an interview though. He had asked for the water cooler and I suggested the ice house. Matt said it was in there because he had put it in there a few weeks ago when he was playing in there. I thought nothing more about it and sat down for the next interview. Shawn came busting through the door to tell me he found a cat in the ice house. My first question was is it a live cat. What a dumb question. If the cat was dead he would have waited to tell me when the kids weren't around and I wasn't interviewing someone. Duh!

He brought Linus in and I'll tell you I am surprised he was alive. Something was wrong with his eye. It was all watery and goobery and his pupils were dilated almost fully. He has lost about 5 pounds. He is shedding like crazy and is a bit skittish. He also couldn't meow. He would open his mouth like he wanted to but nothing came out. I was really worried that we didn't find him in time. Two days this week were up in the 90's. I was sure he had spent too much time out there but he immediately ate and drank and let us all cuddle and fawn over him. His eye has cleared up, he is yowling that Siamese yowl of his, I gave him a good brushing and he seems like his old self minus the big fat belly. We'll work on that this week. The little shit keeps wanting back outside. He didn't learn his lesson!!

Sky is beside herself with happiness, she hasn't left the poor baby alone for even a minute. Linus is her cat and has been since the beginning. Now she can sleep tonight. She hasn't been sleeping well because Linus sleeps with her every night and she was missing him. A girl and her kitty, it's a beautiful thing.

PS. The best we can figure is he crawled through the hole in the floor and when he was in the wood fell back over the whole trapping him. Shawn removed the wood cover so if he goes in there again he won't be trapped. Curiosity

Comparison

This afternoon I took both camera's out to do a few comparison shots. The results shocked me. No wonder I'm so in love with my cute little Sony. My big bulky Sony isn't cutting it with me. I'm sure it is user error and I will get used to it and get better with it but I'll be keeping my little Sony around for comfort and for when I need a good shot.

Both these pictures are straight off the camera's and the only editing I did was for size. What a difference between them!!

The top picture is taken with my spendy new DSLR camera. The bottom picture was taken with my cheap, old, highly reliable point and shoot camera. Both are Sony's.

Insert Swear Words Here

Ever have one of those days? One of those days when nothing is really wrong but nothing is right either? I need to ship two boys off to the orphanage and put two girls in climate controlled bubbles and things would seriously be looking up today.

In other news we survived last week. Dance is officially over and I could not be happier about that! Now our weekly activities are limited to baseball and softball instead of all three. Now to find a babysitter for the summer. I have a few interviews today but I'm not all that hopeful.

Blech. I give up. Nothing good to post.

The picture of the girls was taken after the recital Saturday night. Sky was sick all last week and was just done with the whole deal. Hannah is home with it today.

Happy Birthday Me!!

I had a wonderful birthday and to be quite honest I can't remember the last time that happened. The difference this year is I decided to take it into my own hands and not wait for others to make my day a happy one.

I got up and hit a few garage sales. Found a cute Coach Carly handbag for super cheap! Score!! I went and had my hair cut and colored. I love my stylist. She is the best and I love to visit with her. I hit up a few more garage sales on my way to the grocery store. I found a vintage Rainbow Brite doll in the box and a Kimberly doll in the box. I loved both of those dolls when I was a kid and didn't pass up the chance to have them again. I did a bit of research on both dolls and they are worth substantially more than I paid for them. Score again!!

I went and bought myself a cake and stuff for dinner. Ed made both!!
Matt had his first baseball game tonight and they won!
It was a good day. Go me!!

Eagles

You all have got to see this series of photos. Just amazing!!

I have watched an eagle cam out of West Virginia for the last two years. Apparently a juvenille tried to breah the nest. The series of photos tells the story. Dad's firce protection of his family, Mom bitching at the intruder and the teenaged punk running scared. Amazing photography here!

Gratuitous Bitching

I don't really have much to say but I feel the need to entertain the masses. Okay mainly my Mom and Carolyn who get upset when I don't give them reading material. It doesn't matter that I talk with my Mom on the phone every few days and I email with Carolyn every single day. They both want reading material.

So here it is...reading material in the form of some random thoughts.

Why does the dog refuse to come inside with me because he wants to lie in the sun but the second I get up the stairs, plant my ass on the couch and lift up my laptop he starts barking at the door. I am leaving him outside to learn a lesson.

Speaking of dogs, why do my neighbors all insist of having dogs that they leave outdoors all day and night? If you want an animal invite it in and make it part of your family. The dogs behind us are big 80 some pound labs. They bark nonstop all day long in this deep obnoxious bark although the cops have been called on them. They are still out ruining my warm spring days. Today somewhere in the neighborhood a small dog has joined the chorus. His constant yip is just as annoying as the big dogs deep woof.

The neighbors across the street had their first baby last night. He is doing well and I cannot wait to see him. Declan is his name. Cute Irish name.

My dog is still at the door. Shit head.

Why can't it be warm, sunny and not windy at the same time? It is 70 degrees out, cloudy and so windy you can't catch your breath out there.

Why does all the maintenance on this house fall on me? Last fall I was the one stuck sanding the mud on the new drywall and ripping up the laminate flooring and relaying it. BY MY SELF. Now Shawn made a half assed attempt to fix our deck. Which means he took down the wobbly hand railings and burned them. I am stuck stripping all the paint.

Why does it take so long for Dell to build a pc? I ordered it last Sunday. A week and 2 days ago. It is still in production and is scheduled for delivery on June 1st. Ya know. The day I start school and won't be here to sign for delivery.

Why can't it be nice so I can play with my new camera a bit?

Damn dog is still barking at the door.

This will be the girls last year at their current dance studio. I can't say why until after the recital but I'll fill you in next week.

Why do people have to get older on their birthday? Why can't people feel younger on their birthday? Why do we have birthdays?

Why does my oldest son think he is my youngest sons keeper? On a daily basis I have to tell him to knock this shit off. Last night I was about to beat them both. The more the oldest bitches the more the youngest acts like an ass to piss him off. Mom is the one who suffers here.

That's it. I have to give in to the dog so he doesn't drive me insane.

Namesake

I left the files full size. Please click to enlarge.

On September 4, 1918 my Grandmother was born.

On June 15, 1937 my Grandparents were married.

Yesterday May 7, 2009 my Grandmother went home to be with the Lord.

She spent her life devoted to her savior and I couldn't be happier for her that she is in his loving arms right now.

I was named after my Grandma. Michelle Ruth. When I was a child I hated my middle name. When I was a teenager I realized that it was an honor. I was named after a wonderful woman and couldn't be prouder to share her name.

My Grandparents spent nearly 72 years married to one another. 72 years. That is amazing.

When I was a baby I was doted on and much loved by my Grandma. I was the first granddaughter on the Haldy side in roughly 50 years. To say my birth was a big deal is probably an understatement. Sometime in the 60's my grandparents went on vacation and bought a beautiful set of small dollhouse chairs for their first granddaughter. A girl was desperately wanted. I came along and made that dream come true. I was spoiled rotten. There are several pictures of my Grandma going gaga over me when I was small. They then moved very far away and I didn't get to see them much but they always sent cards and letters to let me know they thought of me often. When I was 10 my Dad graduated from the University. It was a big deal so my Grandma flew out for the occasion. That was the last time I saw my Grandma until last fall. 23 years.

I was waiting in the lobby of the nursing home when my Dad and Uncle wheeled my Grandma out. She saw me and very excitingly said my name "Shelly?" and got teary. A lifetime of love flowed through the hug we shared. It was my turn to dote on her. I spent the day at the hospital with her. She couldn't hear well so I wrote notes and she would respond. Mostly she sat and stared at me and smiled. The hospital was chilly and her hands were like ice. I slipped my 50 cent stretchy gloves on her hands and you would have thought I gave her the best present ever. She stared at her hands and thanked me dozens of times. Its the small things I guess. She tried to give them back and I told her I wanted her to keep them. She said she would wear them and think of me. A pair of cheap gloves brought her happiness. I was blessed to spend that time with her and today I will savor every second of our time together and remember a kind woman who was so full of love.

Still Learning

The whole learning curve thing on this new camera is really challenging. Just about everything I ever learned to do with my old Sony point and shoot has to be erased and relearned with my Sony DSLR. I took this picture this afternoon while trying to figure out how to take macro shots. I am thinking I need to go buy the lens I wanted the other day but I did end up with a few really great shots.

18 and Life

Click to enlarge

18 years ago today my first nephew was born.

18 years ago today I was 3 months away from having my own baby.

18 years ago today I was only 15.

18 years ago today I was scared shitless after watching my sister in laws labor.

18 years ago today. Holy shit. Where has the time gone?

Happy Birthday Bry!!

New Shots!

Yesterday afternoon I took the new cam over to the pond behind the neighbors house to see what I could find. I came up with a ton of bird shots. Today I took the cam to the next town over to see how the falls looked. Not too shabby.

Here are some that are fit to share. As always untouched. I can't wait to see what this bad boy can do when I actually learn to use the fancy software that was included.

New, New, New!!

This morning I headed to the local Best Buy. By local I mean almost 40 minutes away from my house. Oh the joys of living in the middle of nowhere. I was on a mission to buy my new camera. Thank goodness I scored!! I bought a Sony Alpha 350. I am in love! Well love with a few exceptions. Never believe a guy who works at BB. He told me the lens that came with the camera would be fine for macro work. I stressed to him how important a macro lens was to me. I explained that the majority of my photos are of flowers and such. No problem he says. The lens that is included will work fine. Dirty liar. I can't get closer than 3 feet to a flower before the subject blurs out and the camera won't take the photo. I would have spent the money on the lens. Jeez. He also told me my memory stick duo would work. He just forgot to tell me I needed an adapter so I had to drive 30 miles to another town to buy a memory card. Yeah I hate living in the middle of nowhere.

I did get a chance to play a bit and take some photos. Mostly of the dog. She likes to pose. I would post those pictures but after running around all day and spending hours trying to figure out how to work the camera I am a bit tired of messing with it and don't have the want to download the pictures off the camera.

Since I am a loser with no life I spent hours online Saturday night building a new computer on Dell.com. Yesterday I ordered it. Why does it take a whole month to build a computer and ship it?? Sooooo annoying. I want my toys now!!

All this money I'm spending better be worth it. I am going to have to kill myself to make good grades and still function as a wife and Mom. I'm sure I can do it but it will be tough at first. Wish me luck!!

PS. The rose was part of Erin's bouquet. I took 50 some pictures of just the bouquet. About 3 are worth sharing lol.