Stay off the ice!

If you are the woman who gave birth to me close the window and come back tomorrow. If I don't call you Mom, read on.

click to enlarge so you can see all the houses out there.
See the private property sign? I should have listened.

Ever have one of those days you aren't sure you will live through? Yesterday was that day. Obviously I lived but I may need to go to a cardiologist now as I'm sure my heart may never be the same.

Yesterday morning Shawn announced he was going to go out and pull his ice house off the lake. Me being slow and blond and altogether not very bright asked if I could tag along. I don't know how many times he asked if I was sure. He knew, he had that intuition that told him his wife was totally going to freak the fuck out and would probably never be the same. He had visions of me lying naked, fetal position style in a padded room rocking back and forth while drooling on myself and incoherently mumbling something about water and cracks and dying.

I should have listened to the doubt in his voice. I didn't. The second I saw the lake I started begging to be left on shore. Shawn tried to reason with me. It was cold, windy, I would be standing in the elements for a long time. I didn't care I argued. That ice looked scary. His reasoning won out and I stayed in the car. I rolled down the windows and unsnapped my seat belt preparing myself for an eventual sinking and swimming event. That 5 minute ride seemed to last 5 hours. I begged God to watch over us, please keep us safe. It became a mantra. Please God keep us safe, please God keep us safe. Over and over and over again.

Shawn tried speaking to me thinking his voice would sooth me. All I heard him saying was "the ice is cracking, we are going down, we're all going to die", what he was really saying was "we wouldn't go down the way you think we would, the front wheels would sink in and you would have time to jump out onto solid ice". Finally we make it to the house. He tells to come in and check it out. Fuck that noise buddy. That thing is surrounded by water and appears to be floating on the surface. Hook that bitch up, I'll stand waaaaay over here so that when you, the house and the truck go down I will be far enough away to not get sucked down with you. Mercifully he got the thing hooked up in a speedy fashion and I jump in afraid to even close the door this time. Now we have the added weight of the ice house. The five hour drive to the house turned into a 10 hour drive back off the ice. I had my head stuck out the window staring down at the ice trying to visually measure the thickness. If I dared look up and out the windshield everything ahead looked ominously thin and ready to swallow me whole. I continued on with the mantra begging God to just keep me safe.

Finally when we made it onto shore and stopped to secure the ice house I realized I was violently shaking. I couldn't hold anything, control my movements. I was in the midst of a full on panic attack. Oh hell.

It took me at least 5 minutes to calm myself before I could get back out of the truck to snap these pictures. I figured I would need the proof for all of you that Minnesotans are really fucking serious about this ice fishing shit. I'll save my urge to fish until August. Thank you very much.

On the news last night was a story about a guy who went through the ice. He didn't go down wheels first, his whole truck just sunk. I will never willingly go on the ice ever again. That shit will kill you.