Have you ever needed to have yourself a really good cry and not even known it?
I was poking around a bit on a file sharing site and came across a song I know I used to love so I downloaded it and hit play. The tears just came, hot sad, huge tears. Tears I never knew I had inside me. I knew I loved the song and I realized I hadn't heard it in nearly 15 years. It was the song I sang to my oldest in the middle of the night when nothing else would sooth him but to walk the hall and sing to him. The song is Baby of Mine.
It made me long for the days of my baby, the sweet smell of his breath. The comforting smell of his jammies freshly washed in Dreft. His black eyes staring up at me in the darkness. All those nights of him and I alone in the world right before my brother would take him out of my hands for his turn to walk the hall with the baby.
I have this strange urge to call my baby home from school, plop him on my lap and sing Baby of Mine to him. It's to bad that he is 15 now and could hold me on his lap.
Another part of the tears is that tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Scott's death. The pain is still fresh and new. The family Christmas was hard. I miss him now just as much as ever. I wish I had the chance to tell him what his friendship meant to me. Wherever you are Scott, I miss you more than words can say....