Monday, January 16, 2006


What a long sad, stressful 4 or 5 days. Thursday evening Shawn was late from work so I sat and watched the news waiting on him to call me back or answer his phone. I had seen there was a train/semi truck collision on one of the roads on his way home. I thought maybe that was the holdup. I started to really panic when at 6 I hadn't heard from him. Finally he called, sweet relief. I told him to drive careful and watch out for traffic when he hit Jordan because of all the rescue vehicles. I briefly told him what had happened. Little did I know that little bit of info I gave him would shake our family to the core and cause unbearable heartache and grief.

He made it home with only a small amount of time to spare before he had to eat and shower so he could be out the door to play poker for the evening. I had planned to go but decided to stay home to watch Earl on TV. That turned out to be a really good decision.

Ed and I were hanging out watching the 10 o'clock news. We were hoping to catch an update on the truck/train story in Jordan. I sent him upstairs for something, I don't even know what anymore. As he was bouncing back down the stairs, item in hand the story came on. I heard them say the 35 year old Jordan man was pronounced dead at the scene. The man has been identified as Scott Fahrenkamp. I could not believe my ears. I screamed oh my god, oh my god and went into hysterics. Ed couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and I couldn't catch my breath to tell him. I just laid my head on the dogs head and sobbed as if my heart were breaking, and in fact, it was.

Scott you see, was Shawn's cousin and one of my closest confidants. He helped me get through so many rough patches in my marriage. When I moved out here and didn't know a soul besides the family. He came into Perkins were I worked and had breakfast with me on my breaks at 3 a.m., I constantly tried to set him up with my girlfriends and spent many a night dancing the night away. Shawn, Me, Scott and whatever girl I had drug along for the night. One of my favorite memories of Scott was last Christmas. My mother in law tends to rub me the wrong way at times. She had that effect last year. I decided I needed to go for a drive. Scott noticed right away that I was gone and called and told me to meet him in the driveway. I pulled up and there was Scott. Big goofy grin on his face. He jumped in, picked up the bottle of champagne I had on the seat from the night before and opened it up. We sat in my truck in the driveway for hours drinking that bottle of Champagne and then moving on to a bottle of wine he found in the back seat. I don't even know what we talked about but he had a way of cheering me up and making me feel silly for being down in the first place. I went back into the house and was determined to not let my mother in law get me down. Scott was great that way.

The toughest thing I have ever had to do to date besides telling my Mom of the loss of my still born son was calling my husband at the bar where he was playing poker and telling him that the news story I had told him about earlier was Scott and that Scott was dead. Somehow I found the words. I felt so bad for Shawn but I know how he is, he's a tough guy and doesn't get to emotional. For the first time ever, I focused on me when someone died instead of trying to remain strong for everyone else and having a nervous breakdown months later.

Thursday night was a sleepless one. I tried to lay down but my memories would get the better of me. I finally dozed off around 4 and woke up to Scott's dad calling at 4:30 to make sure we had been contacted. ( I won't go into how he was notified or why we heard it on the news)

I gave up on sleep after that and crawled out of bed around 6. It was a rush to make flight reservations for my in-laws, contact all the family who hadn't been contacted yet and get my kids off for school. I tried to lay down for a nap around 10 but the ringing phone wouldn't allow it. When I walked into my girlfriends house at noon she point blank told me I looked like hell. You know that is a good friend when you ar insulted by her telling you how bad you look.

Friday night Shawn's aunt called to give me the funeral arrangement details and tell me what details she knew of the accident. I knew the semi had started on fire. In my fantasy world he was dead or unconscious before the cab started on fire. I would have been fine believing that little fantasy for the rest of my life. What I was told will cause me nightmares for years. 2 passers-by tried to get Scott out of the semi but were over come by intense heat and flames. They could hear him screaming inside of the truck and couldn't get to him. By time the fire department arrived he was gone. He had just filled the truck full of diesel, it took them 4 hours to put the blaze out.When they finally got it out there was next to nothing of him left to identify. They are still looking for dental records on him.

Saturday we picked my in-laws up from the airport and went to the tracks where he was hit. We just didn't understand, how did he not see the train? What we found was a blind crossing. Trees blocking the view of the tracks. He was pushed hundreds of feet down the tracks, over some bushes and up against the fence of a baseball field. The ground was all black and the bushes were burnt. It was heartbreaking.

Yesterday was the wake. We spent 5 hours at the funeral home. My girlfriend Sam went with, she had dated Scott at one point and remained close friends with him until the end. I was so glad she was there. We were a huge support to each other.

Today was the funeral. It was surreal. I was looking at a picture of Scott on the program in his jeans and t-shirt. I swear I could hear him telling me I should be in jeans, why was I crying? I should be laughing and drinking and celebrating him. I know that is what he wanted. Why we did the sad funeral dressed in black is beyond me.We should have had a party. He lived every day like it was his last party. I think I owe him one more. Sometime soon Sam and I will go sit in my truck in the driveway and drink a bottle of wine and laugh about what a character Scott was, maybe then I can let him go. For now he is still down the road and won't return my calls.


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My baby is growing up!! Waaaa. Yesterday he shaved for the first time. I can hardly believe it. Seems like just yesterday that he pee'd in my hair when I gave him his first bath. Man time flies. (so did the pee back then)

My baby girl on the other hand is only four and is moving out. She came home last night from Keely's house and announced she was moving in with Keely. I said "oh yeah what brought this about" she replies "I was there so long I just have to move in". I forgot about it until she said she needed to go pack her clothes so she can move. Man oh man. I tell her "honey you can't move to Keely's, you live here with me". She cried as if her heart were breaking. She carried on for at least 20 minutes until I called Holly to see if Keely could spend the night Thursday night. Catastrophe ended.

Since I have the time off work Shawn and I have been working on finishing our basement. We finally have all of the hardwood flooring in, the wainscoting on the walls, shelf ledge about the wainscoting and all of the trim done. Now we just need to get the wall built for the laundry room and the ceiling up and we will be good. The best part of all of this is the time Shawn and I spend together. We always have a good time working on projects together. The best, best part is all of the shopping I have got to do. I was able to take a day trip to Ikea!!

I interviewed with the new management today. It went great. He said he has heard good things about me from everyone. He was impressed with all of my experience and asked me to train when they hire new people. Yay for me, that is more money an hour!! He also said to let him know when I want to train to bartend! I asked for that for 6 months and was never given the opportunity. I was also given the shifts I asked for. It went really well! I was hired on the spot but was told not to say anything because he has been telling everyone he would call and let them know after he got through all of his interviews. So all went well and I won't be jobless anymore. It's been a long week and a half for sure. I have way to much energy to be a stay at home mom.

On a more serious note a lady on a board I post on mentioned going to the gym and how she doesn't like to go because the skinny girls look at her funny. You know it's difficult being one of the skinny girls that the heavy girls glare at. You know they hate you. Is it fair for the heavy girls to despise the skinny girls? I mean it's not my fault that I was born with a high metabolism and the pride of self that motivates me to eat well and hit the gym from time to time to keep myself looking good. Do those heavy girls really hate us skinny girls or do they just hate themselves so much that it is easier to put their self loathing onto someone that reflects what they hate so much about themselves. No matter what I just want to put it out there that thin person discrimination exists just as much as fat person discrimination. The heavies look at the skinny's and think go eat a cheese burger. The skinny's look at the heavy's and think put down that cheeseburger. Seems everyone always wants what they don't have. Such is life I suppose.

Monday, January 2, 2006

My dog needs a pedicure and my boobs are okay!

This adorable little mutt caused me a panic attack and an allergy attack last night!! Shawn and I are finishing our basement which means everything from two rooms down there is crammed into one room. The one room being the laundry room. I heard my little man whimper then yelp. He never does either. He was frantically trying to get out from under the debris all over the laundry room but wasn't able to move because his back legs no longer worked. Now Shawn has had this old man since before we got together and the dog liking me was the ultimate test before Shawn could get serious with me. Let's just say I am very attached to the old guy. I immediately dropped everything in my hands which included a paint brush full of stain onto our newly installed hard wood floor and ran over to see what was up. My first thought was holy shit something fell on him and either both of his back legs are broken or his back is broken. That prompted me to scream in panic for Shawn to hurry because something was seriously wrong with Deeogee. Shawn came running, took one look and said "oh f#&k, oh f#&k!" which prompted me to tears. After a careful look he assessed that he had the claws from both back paws and a front paw wrapped up in grid like piece of metal from one of the kids shelves. I ran for the clippers while Shawn tried to hold Deeogee still. No such luck. He wouldn't hold still and I couldn't find the dog clippers. He yells forget it get the tin snips out of the garage. This is where my blondness comes in. I yell back that he can't cut the dogs nails with tin snips because he would cut to deep and make him bleed. I almost had that out when it occurred to me that he could cut the shelf. Duh!! Deeogee was in a full blown panic by time I got back. He was trying to bite at Shawn while he was trying to free him, which is so uncharacteristic of him. All I could think is our poor old guy was going to have a heart attack and die before Shawn could free him, so I did what I knew would calm him. Even though it caused me a major allergy attack. I started cooing to him and rubbing my face on his. It took 10 minutes from start to finish to free him but my face itched for hours. Oh well my baby is safe and sound. After he was rescued he promptly ran for his spot on the couch and could only be coaxed down with a bribe of fresh turkey in gravy that I made for dinner yesterday. After his snack he went back to the couch and looked and me like he wanted to know where the heck his blankie was. I covered him up and he stayed on the couch all night watching the action in the living room. He still hasn't been back down stairs.

I went to the doctor today to have my left breast checked out. I was having a greenish colored discharge from my nipple. Thank god it is nothing! I have a major sinus infection that is infecting my entire body. She scheduled an ultra sound just to be safe but is confident that when I am done with my antibiotic the green will be yellow again lol. Here's hoping she is right.

Skylee needs her kindergarten shots as well so she got them today. 5 shots into her tiny little legs. Poor baby, her legs are so stiff and sore. I gave her a bath earlier and some pain medicine. She is now sleeping on the couch between me and the dog. I hope she feels better tomorrow. Shots are a hated thing.

Saturday was a really hard day for me. It was my last night at work with my current co-workers and management. I really hope I am hired back at the end of the month along with everyone else and we can all be a crew again.  Shawn came and picked me up from work, the bartender forgot to ring up all of our drinks that night so there is no way I could have drove. We went over to some friends of his for a poker party. It was awesome!!! Shawn won $120 and I won $15 lol. I am becoming a poker addict. I can't wait until the end of January. Shawn plays in the state poker tournie so I will hit a few tables of my own lol.

Anyway that is about it. I am surprised by the new readers. I don't know how you found me but I am happy you did. Leave me a link so I can check out your journal. I am also a blog addict!!

I wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous '06!!

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.



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