Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Four

Yesterday I rushed around getting ready for school. My first day back at school for the new semester. I left home just a little bit later than I wanted. It took just a little bit longer to get my morning cup of coffee than I wanted it to. I felt just a little bit sick. Okay, a lot sick. This cold is kicking my butt. Not like my last cold where I was down for 5 weeks and really wasn't a cold at all but was the dreaded swine flu with a bit of bronchitis thrown in for good measure. Besides all that I was in a good mood, excited for the first day of school. Just as I was pulling into Jordan I looked over at the train tracks and it all came rushing back to me. I had made it a full hour into my day before I realized it was the day. 4 years earlier at this exact time you were here. Were you getting ready for work? Driving to work? Already at work? I'll never know. I blinked the tears back out of my eyes, the tears I knew would come, would have to come but would have to wait and went about my day trying not to think of you. I couldn't let you in just yet.

I knew on my way home I would have to go to you. Well, not to you exactly but to the place I feel you. The place you lost your life, or it was stolen. The place that holds part of my heart still.
I imagined what I would say to you. "Hi. It's me. I miss you" I would scream into the wind. "Why did you leave? I need to talk to you. I need my friend." This is when the tears started to come. When I pictured your face, thought of all the things I wanted to say.

I veered off 169 to go to the place. The road that winds to the place causes me to tense up still. I feel like I can't breathe every time i'm on that road. I whipped into the parking lot and was foiled by the mounds of snow dumped onto the back road that leads to the tree your semi landed on. The tree that is still broken and blackened from the death of you. "Shit" I said out loud. I swear I heard you laugh. Back out onto the road that causes me to not be able to breath. Across the tracks of the train which took away my best friend. How in the hell do I get down there I thought to myself and then it came to me. The lone footprints of one person who had walked down to your tree. I would have to walk down there too.
The rest I know you had a hand in. I know you were poking fun at me. Laughing. By time I made it down to your tree my heart was hammering, sweat pouring down my face. Legs shaking. You were laughing as I was walking in 12 inches of snow. I stood in front of your tree still broken and black. I shook my head, looked up at the sky. Felt the wind pick up and heard the tinkle of bells. The bells turned out to be something blowing on the fence surrounding the baseball field. The bells turned out to be you. You laughing, always laughing. Laughing with me, laughing at me. You always there with me. I miss you, more than I missed you four years ago today. Every day that goes by I think of you but now I can think of you without crying. I can think of you without feeling like someone punched me in the heart. I can think of you through a thinner veil of pain, a veil than only time can wear down and I thank you for being my friend, one of the best. My partner in crime and the person who "got" me far more than most anyone else has. Thanks for being you.
That's what I wanted to say yesterday before you had your fun with me in the snow.

5 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks January 13, 2010 at 3:01 PM  

That...was heart-wrenching.

Cat January 13, 2010 at 6:09 PM  

That was beautiful. I've never seen you write so eloquently. I wish I had known him.

BlossomFlowerGirl January 17, 2010 at 5:58 PM  

That was so heart felt. I was crying with you. And I thought of my Dad. It will be exactly one year this Thursday since Dad died and I miss him. I wish that I had not been such a selfish daughter and Hd been to see him on his birthday, I wish that I had not been such a selfish daughter and had goe to see him and Mum on christmas Day. I wish with all my heart I had been there for him. But I wasn't. And it hurts, alas, it hurts when it is too late.
Melbourne Daily Photo

Joanie M January 17, 2010 at 11:45 PM  

My heart aches, reading this. hugs.

Kathy February 15, 2010 at 6:03 PM  

My aunt Harriet died 3 years ago next month. I can't believe that it's been that long without her, and it's gut wrenching still to even talk about her. She was my "person". I get it. Big hug.

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.

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