Sunday, March 14, 2010

Nothin'


So it's been 3 weeks and a few days since I haven't smoked. Mind boggling to me. It has been much easier than I ever imagined. I've made it through a blow out with my husband, a drunken attack by a friend and a bunch of smaller things and haven't caved. I am well aware that I am minutes away from caving at any given time and that's the craving I fight.

For quite some time a major source of stress between my husband and I was my supreme unhappiness at being any where but home near my family. It has been at the root of every major fight we have ever had and the source of any and all depression I've ever had. I have bitched and moaned and complained since the day we moved here that I hate it here and I want to go home. I have given it plenty of time and opportunity and I have tried to be happy here and for a time I was. For about 4 years we had friends that felt like family and I was truly happy here. They moved, others moved, I tried but eventually started hating this place again. Winter, coupled with quitting smoking, Shawn being laid off again and a bunch of other things brought that familiar homesick feeling back to the surface.
In the past when I tried to discuss these feelings with my husband I was met with reasons we can't leave. Reasons why he won't leave and most of the time he flat out pretended he was deaf when I would bitch. Something was much different this time though. I put my feelings out there, he put his feelings out there and he agreed we could go back. I know we can't. We have far too many responsibilities here but it is nice to have him understand how I feel instead of making excuses. It is amazing how much lighter my heart feels.
Now if I could make a decision about the other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind I might be completely free and breezy. That is a feeling I could live with!

5 comments:

Kathy March 14, 2010 at 8:05 PM  

Congratulations! I know it's a tough battle to quit - I'm still a work in progress :)
And I'm glad that you're making headway in your communication - even if you don't leave, at least he understands and can be a little more empathetic. :)

Lesley March 15, 2010 at 3:42 AM  

Over 3 weeks, that's fantastic! Any addiction is hard to control, so I'm full of admiration.

OhCaptain March 18, 2010 at 11:35 PM  

I quit 6 years ago. My best advice is just to remember you can never smoke again. I know, sounds harsh, but there's no such things as just one.

Keep it up! It gets easier with every single day.

Another Original by Tamara March 19, 2010 at 9:03 PM  

Yes, life present its many and unique challenges to each of us. Congrats on the the smoking cessation. I adore your flower photo.

Cat March 29, 2010 at 11:52 AM  

I am amazed and proud as hell every day that you go without smoking! It just means we get our Chelle for that many more years. This post answered a question I had, and I'm so happy that you guys got to that place.

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.

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