Walking in the shadows of the past

Because i'm generally a curious person and because I have my own interests to look after I googled my ex's name today. Since he is ordered to be a registered sex offender his name popped up along with a recent picture.
It made me sad. The guy I knew was cute and had sparkling blue eyes that always had a bit of laughter and mischief in them. The guy I saw today was old and hard with dead eyes.
It really bothers me that two people can travel the same path for so long and end up in entirely different places in life. One person chooses a path that leads them to a full life with a bright future and one person chooses the path that leads them to prison and little to no future. That saddens me. I firmly believe that we are all put on this planet with almost an even start with a few exceptions and it is our job to be what we can be and do what we can to contribute to this place while we are here.
Most people who know me know that I rarely if ever take a look back into the past. It just isn't me, I'm not programmed to think that way. If I were I would be balled up in the corner in the fetal position rocking myself. So, I don't look back and try to only look forward.
Today I looked back and it made me so sad.
I have no idea where I really want to go with this, maybe its just to make myself feel better. Maybe its to mark on a calendar how far I have come in the last decade and a half. All I know is that when someone looks at a picture of me they don't see someone who looks dead on the inside, I hope they see joy and life and because i'm me I also want to say.....
You may have held me down briefly but you never held me back. Because of you I found strength in myself I never knew I had. Because of you I found a fierce need to protect myself and those I love. Because of you I learned about life and the kind of person I want to be.
Look at me now mother fucker, look at me now.

Rammble, ramble, shoot.

How in the world do people keep up with a blog if they work or GO TO SCHOOL?? I can't do more than one thing at a time. If I'm at home I am either buried in homework or have a kid hanging off me whining that they need something or they just want to cuddle. (Insert scream here)

Anyway, I have gotten a few letters from the boy. He is super homesick. Awww. Oh did I tell you all he shipped for basic training? Can't remember.

Life is marching on here. The only photos I have shot lately are for school. Good thing my family is willing to pose for me. I wrote all of this so I can show you this pic I took of the hubby. I love this picture!

Speaking of hubby, he had a great fathers day. Totally pampered. We got him a lawn sweeper and a couple of saws. The kids made stuff for him too. Awww!

I spent all of Saturday doing yard work, shooting photos and staining the deck. Okay, I am obviously exhausted. This post sucks. Peace!

Strawberry Wine....17

There is nothing like red stained fingers on a hot summer evening and come January I will look back at this post and daydream.

Guess the song the title comes from.

The Canines Give This Post Two Paws Up

Last night Shawn, Skylee and I watched Marley and Me. It was hands down the saddest movie I have ever seen. Sadder than Old Yeller and Where the Red Fern grows combined.

I think you have to have lost a dog that you had since puppy hood or have a really old dog to feel the full power of this movie. I have experienced both.

Sammy came to live with us when I was a little girl. We had him for years, gave him away, took him back and had him for the rest of his life span. Sammy was a sweet and naughty little cocker spaniel and I adored him but Sammy isn't the reason this movie hit me so hard. The dogs I have now are.

Shawn owned Deeogee when I met him. He was a cute, obnoxious, vicious, year and a half old puppy when I came into his life. He bit me, my nephew and a day care kid before I finally consulted the vet who's advise was to have him neutered, and neuter him we did. He turned into a whole new dog, sweet and lovable and completely loyal.

Since the day I met him he has had an old soul. He seems so wise and not at all dog like. Everyone who has ever met him has fell instantly in love with his attitude.

Last night I got to thinking after watching the movie all the changes he has seen in is life. From being a bachelors dog who traveled the country and lived in motel rooms to a family dog, protector of 6.

First I was introduced to him, then a young boy and a baby boy. 2 baby girls, 4 houses and 2 states. A few other dog friends and a bunch of cat friends. He has seen every thing since day 1 of our relationship.

In our first house late at night, Shawn was working out of town and someone tried to break in. Dee has the bark of a big dog and alerted me to someone at the window. He scared the person off and possibly saved our lives. From that night on I owed him a debt I will never be able to repay him.

Clara came to live with us as a tiny 5 week old puppy who cried all night long. We spent the first week with her taking turns sleeping with our hands draped over the edge of the bed, stuck inside her kennel to keep her from crying all night. Life with her in the beginning was very much like life with a new baby and she was a very naughty new baby. She whined and barked, chewed on everything, ate walls and the kids toys. Ran away every chance she could and caused a lot of stress between the next door neighbor and us. I'll admit more time than not I hated that dog with every fiber of my being and wanted rid of her. I hated all her bad habits and her fur all over my house. Then last spring we nearly lost her to a bad infection and she and I have been inseparable since.

Although she is only 5 and a half we believe she is near the end of her life. She injured her front shoulder the fall before last and hasn't been right since. She also has rear hip dysplasia but she has all the heart of a puppy and we have to monitor her exercise so she doesn't over exert herself and cause herself more pain.

That is the reason the movie got to me so badly. (Well that and I am a crier at movies, tv shows and even commericals). We have two dogs nearing the end of their lives so when I was watching the movie I wasn't seeing Marley lying under the tree or on the vets table. I was looking at my own two canine children and thinking of what it will do to our family when it is time to make the hardest decision a doggy parent will ever have to make. A decision I wish I never have to make.

A Heartfelt Thanks!

I have to say I have the best readers, friends and Mom in the whole wide world!! Your words of encouragement have been much needed and much appreciated this week. I made it through the first two days without having a break down and have made it to all of my classes without deciding to just drop out. Thanks everyone!!

I took my first math quiz yesterday and aced it! This morning I finished my first Intro to Professional Photography project, I am on a roll! I don't know if Julie reads or not but I have to say, if it weren't for her having the most beautiful flowers in the neighborhood I would have had a hard time finishing my project. So, thanks Julie!!

In other news...the cat learned nothing. I found him in the ice house again a few days ago. Cat says he is suicidal, I have to agree.
The kids last day of school is tomorrow. Bring the crazy on!!

That's about it for today. Must rush off and finish my math homework. Peace!

In Over My Head?

Day one was daunting to say the least. I almost had a panic attack on the drive home, wondering if I will make it. Apparently summer semester isn't the time to load up on classes due to the short span of time you have to learn everything.
According to my math teacher one shouldn't take her class if they are taking any others. She predicts 3 hours of homework a day. Something about getting through the whole book in 4 weeks instead of the 4 months students have during a normal semester. Well shit, I am a mathtard. I threw my pen across the room at least twice last night while trying to do 3 chapters worth of homework.
My Intro to Pro Photog instructor warned me that since I am in his class and the Ambient Lighting class I should expect to live at the school. Shit!
I never thought taking photos would be so daunting. I have 24 photos shot at ISO 200 due tomorrow and it is super cloudy here today. I need light for those photos! I also have to read 2 chapters of my photography text book and be ready to discuss by tomorrow evening, the thing is the book is so boring I am having a hard time reading it. I don't particularly care about ISO and F-stops. Yaaaawn.

Last night I whined on facebook about how I am going to get this whole school thing accomplished without flunking out and still have time to be a Mom and wife, maid and cook around here. I got a whole lot of quityourbitchin's. I wanna bitch!! Its my blog and I'll cry if I want to! I know I can do it I just don't want my kids to feel neglected, they are after all the reason I put this off for so long!
Okay, complaining over. Must go read the most boring textbook ever but hey, at least it has pictures to look at!!

First Day

Today is the big day! I go from being a stay at home Mom to a college student...again. This time I don't plan on having any more babies to put my school days on hold. I am neither really excited or really nervous. I just am....bleh. I blame all the work I did on the deck and in the yard for my blahness. My legs are so sore I can barely walk. I am dreading walking around campus. Maybe I can borrow a wheelchair? Oh and just a note to everyone, if you buy yourself fitflops do not, I repeat, do not try them out the day you will be bending and stooping and lifting and squatting all day. You have no idea if the fitflops actually work or the pain comes from the increased activity.

I love this picture of Matt taken on our camping trip. The sparklers make some cool effects!