Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Walking in the shadows of the past

Because i'm generally a curious person and because I have my own interests to look after I googled my ex's name today. Since he is ordered to be a registered sex offender his name popped up along with a recent picture.
It made me sad. The guy I knew was cute and had sparkling blue eyes that always had a bit of laughter and mischief in them. The guy I saw today was old and hard with dead eyes.
It really bothers me that two people can travel the same path for so long and end up in entirely different places in life. One person chooses a path that leads them to a full life with a bright future and one person chooses the path that leads them to prison and little to no future. That saddens me. I firmly believe that we are all put on this planet with almost an even start with a few exceptions and it is our job to be what we can be and do what we can to contribute to this place while we are here.
Most people who know me know that I rarely if ever take a look back into the past. It just isn't me, I'm not programmed to think that way. If I were I would be balled up in the corner in the fetal position rocking myself. So, I don't look back and try to only look forward.
Today I looked back and it made me so sad.
I have no idea where I really want to go with this, maybe its just to make myself feel better. Maybe its to mark on a calendar how far I have come in the last decade and a half. All I know is that when someone looks at a picture of me they don't see someone who looks dead on the inside, I hope they see joy and life and because i'm me I also want to say.....
You may have held me down briefly but you never held me back. Because of you I found strength in myself I never knew I had. Because of you I found a fierce need to protect myself and those I love. Because of you I learned about life and the kind of person I want to be.
Look at me now mother fucker, look at me now.

10 comments:

Cat June 24, 2009 at 1:21 PM  

And when I look at you, I see your long, happy future! Sometimes it's good to take a look at where we might have gone and relish in a path well chosen.

Joanie M June 24, 2009 at 2:18 PM  

It's true what they say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Amazing how that works.

Bobby G June 24, 2009 at 2:25 PM  

You chose wisely girl! he chose poorly, dont let it get ya down!!!!

BlueEyedWonder June 24, 2009 at 2:48 PM  

Awesome for you!!!

Isn't it something when we are able to take a moment to look back and see how far we have come from where we were.

Just remember, never regret but always learn from the past and take what you have learned and move forward.

Debbi June 24, 2009 at 4:50 PM  

What a past to leave behind, hun! You've come through some great and crappy things, and haven't used them as a 'crutch' to be a wreck like 'CERTAIN OTHERS' may have.

Kate June 25, 2009 at 6:57 AM  

It is interesting for sure, how that happens..

My brother is in and out of prison.. lives off the streets.. but my two sisters and I all have good jobs.. work hard, etc.

I don't get it. Sometimes I wonder how we can be from the same parents.

Traci June 25, 2009 at 12:28 PM  

Girl I just saw what u saw and I know how you feel I am feeling the same way. man o man.. I love you so don't change..

Toni June 25, 2009 at 3:01 PM  

Feel better? Hope so. I think that is something I could have written when I found out my ex (a few years back) has now turned into a date-rapist. I never knew that side of him but I saw glimpses of dark in him and it scares and saddens me to think of what might have been. But we must remember that whilst we are stronger, and as you say, have a future, they won't - it's just difficult to see the choice that they made.

Ric Thompson June 28, 2009 at 1:23 PM  

Yeah... I probably spend too much time looking back a little and analyzing how it happened. If I go back enough times the events somehow got sterilized and don't evoke any emotions.

Your ex's story is sad... for him, and those who care about him. I wish for your sake that he could change, but it's unlikely... even after punishment they say.

It doesn't mean, though, that there was never anything there to love in him - I wouldn't think.

Thank you for sharing, and am happy that you were able to move along earlier in his story :-)

Eternally Distracted June 29, 2009 at 2:39 AM  

There is nothing like a quick delve into the past to give us an insight into who we are, where we have come from and a reason for continuing on our paths of greatness :0)

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.

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