Sunday, November 27, 2005

Sitting here staring at a blank screen wondering what to say. I started this journal as a place for me, a place to get the things in my life off my chest. A place to vent, just for me. I wasn't going to let people reading influence what I have to say or cause me to hold back from letting my scream out. Somehow that has happened. I have held back. I went private for a while so I could get what I wanted to vent out and ended up deleting all of those entries before I returned to the public. Tonight I am letting my thoughts out and letting the public read them.

As a few of my close friends know my marriage has been rocky for quite some time. I will take full blame for it. I always want more. More love, more attention, more recognition, more adoration, more patience, more of a love of life. Anyone who knows me in real life (and I sincerely hope one of them read this blog) know that I have a passion for life. I am a grab life by the balls and have a great time at it kind of girl. I love being happy. I love dancing around the house, singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs, sharing a bottle of wine and a bunch of laughs with my girlfriends, telling raunchy jokes, catching someone's eye and smiling at them with the hope my smile will make them smile. Happiness is a choice we all make and I consciously chose every day of my life to be happy. I may stray and have a down day but for the most part I am a happy, happy girl. Not today. Today I am letting shit bug me. There are certain things about my husband that I know have really been major things with me for years and every few months over all of these years I try and talk with him about all of the short comings in our marriage and what we should do to go about fixing them. This man loves being miserable as much as I love being happy. I asked him tonight what I can do to help him be happy. He says make me debt free. I voiced my concerns that money is all it would take to make him happy when most men would be truly happy to have a beautiful wife that takes pride in her appearance instead of frumping around in sweats day after day and four fantastic children whom to me are the entire reason for my existence. I was hit with a reply about how conceited I am. ::sigh:: I tried to explain the difference between conceit and self confidence. It completely fell on the deaf ears of a man with no self confidence at all. I blame his mother. I blame her for everything. My husband is a case study in bad parenting. Complete and total lack of involvement on her part has led to a man who's only communication skills are to lash out, accuse me of bitching and flee the room. A man who is more than happy to sit on the couch and watch tv or play cards on the internet while life passes him by. It saddens me deeply. We are two complete extremes, the person with a zest for life and all it has to offer and the person who will wish on there death bed that they had lived. How does one make a marriage work like that and how do I help enable him to be happy?

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.

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