The North Shore

This last weekend the children and I ventured to the north shore to spend some quality time with their dad. It really was some of the best family time we have ever spent together. Not to mention the opportunity for beautiful photography. This one here is my favorite taken over the weekend. I plan on having it printed in a lovely 16x24 size and hanging it above my desk.

Do you ever hear something that instantly makes you think KARMA? Just wondering. You can only be a self centered bitch for so long before it catches you.

I am so full of small thoughts today not small as in small as in I don't have anything lengthy to post on any one comment. Just short snippets. Like.....

I hate when people give my phone number out to their bill collectors. I have enough of my own calling me, I don't want your calling me too. Thank you very much.

Don't you hate when people who have spent their whole life dodging responsibility to their children, who have never done a meaningful thing for them beyond donating their sperm, think their child owes them something?

Sometimes we all need a mulligan in life. To just change the things that are seemingly small that end up to be huge life changing decisions.

Besides those few things that bug me I am doing really well. Loving being back to school and will love it even more when the kids go back. Excited to be taking pictures for a purpose instead of for pleasure again. Loving learning so much more about photoshop.

Yeah...I really got nothing. Have a great day!

Belle

Sky

Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?

Kitty Love

You know how they ( I have no idea who they is) say that when a cat leaves a dead animal lying on your doorstep its because the cat loves you and is giving you a present?
Well my cat must adore us. In the last week he has brought me the back half of a pocket gopher and the heart and the liver, the front half of a pocket gopher and today just a gopher head and the heart and kidney.
Alright Linus. You love us. Mind bringing home a pile of cash?

Edit: 6/24
Caught him with a dead gopher in the garage this afternoon. He was gnawing its head off. Disgusting cat.

Karma

I'm a firm believer in Karma. I'm from the school of do good things and good things will happen, do bad things and bad things will happen. Ala Earl Hickey.
I have always been a friend to the spiders of the world. I'm not afraid of them, they don't make me squeal like most girls. I have never had the need to call my husband home to be a spider annihilator for me. I always just scoop them up and put them outside. I want us to co-exist, just not in the same house.
Last Monday I was helping my daughter clean up her room when I came across one of those really large black hairy nasty spiders. I scooped him up on a piece of paper and tried walking out of the room with him, headed for the outdoors. He wanted no part of the beautiful Minnesota summer and kept jumping off the paper. I kept scooping, he kept jumping. I finally tired of his game and smashed his ass.
The very next night I was bitten in my sleep by a spider. I remember vaguely itching it in the middle of the night. Then the bite was quickly forgotten until Friday when I woke up with a large red, hot to the touch, tender and itchy patch around the bite site. I knew something wasn't quite right. Turns out my spider bite was infected.
The friends of fuzzy black spider had avenged the cold blooded murder of their friend.

Today I was working on a long over due landscaping project. I was removing sod from against the house. Perfect spider hiding area. They were everywhere. I couldn't blink without another spider scuttling out and up the wall. I'll admit I smashed a ton of spiders today, tonight I am afraid to go go sleep.
Karma is a bitch.

Lions and Tigers and Ticks? Oh My!

Over the long Memorial Day weekend we as a family ventured off for our traditional camping trip. I don't know when this started. Could be as far back as when I was in 8th grade and went with my brothers to Guernsey Lake. Anyhow, I don't remember when I picked it up with my own family but its what we do. Usually. This year was not to be like all the other years. The threat of rain, two small kids and a hubby who hates to camp sent our camping companions back to town 24 hours early. The threat of rain, a waterproof-less tent, a tired Mom and a sick Dad sent us back to town 14 hours or so early. We came home and set up the tent in the garage for the kids, built a fire in the fire bowl in the driveway and let the kids at it. They all ended up in the house but they had fun thinking they were still in control of camping. It never did rain more than a sprinkle but that's okay. That was 14 less hours the ticks had to crawl on us. Yuck!

Harvey

As promised. Harvey and I.

God Speed, Speed.

I can't believe it, time rolls by so quickly. It has already been a week since we buried one of the greatest men I have ever known.
Before I was born my Mom was married to my brothers Dad. They divorced, Mom remarried, I was born and then my sister. Luckily for my sister and I my Mom kept a good relationship with her ex husbands family. That family took my sister and I in and loved us like we were their own blood. They certainly didn't have to.
Grandma Fritz was one of my favorite people and to this day I aspire to be the kind of loving, giving, accepting person she was. Grandpa Speed was a great man, he served in world war 2 after he was already married and already a father. He came back to the states ran a farm and later his own car company. As I kid I thought GMC stood for Gulley Motor Company. It was at that car dealership one Easter Gramps had a give away that included a huge Easter basket and the largest stuffed rabbit I have ever seen in my life. That rabbit was taller than a little me was. Probably a good 5 feet or so. Well one day while at my Grandma Bower's house there was a knock at the door. That knock was for my, it was Grandpa Speed delivering that huge stuffed rabbit. The rabbit I was never entered to win. Favortism? Maybe, after all I wasn't blood related so it was perfectly legal for me to win. That rabbit was named Harvey and became my best friend for several years. I had no secrets that Harvey didn't know.
That was the kind of man Gramps was. He took in several grand kids over the years when there parents were unable to care for them for whatever reason. There house was a refuge for many a stray teenager over the years. He and Grandma Fritz were amazing people.
When I learned of Gramps death I cried of course but not from sadness. He lived 91 years on this earth, 21 of them without his beloved Fritz. I cried tears of joy that he and Grandma would now be reunited in heaven. Two Friday's ago heaven became a better place. Rest in peace Gramps.

PS I promise to locate a picture of Harvey and I and post it.

'Mater

My husband is super gardener. I think it may be the only thing in life he truly enjoys besides hunting. Every year he tends to get a jump on starting the garden way to early. He tills in February if we have no snow. Okay, that's probably an exaggeration. Definitely March though. This year he decided to start his plants indoors the beginning of February.

He just asked me if I thought 17 tomato plants are to many. Lord help us all, we still have whole tomatoes in the freezer from last summers garden and that was only 5 plants. Hope the neighbors are prepared to have enough tomatoes to can with.

Hannah in the prized garden.

Facebook

Did you know....that my photos are on facebook? Lots more photos than I have the time or patience to post here. Photos of people and animals and floods and buildings. Lots and lots of photos. Why aren't you a fan? You would see stuff like this......

Become a fan!!

Nothin'

So it's been 3 weeks and a few days since I haven't smoked. Mind boggling to me. It has been much easier than I ever imagined. I've made it through a blow out with my husband, a drunken attack by a friend and a bunch of smaller things and haven't caved. I am well aware that I am minutes away from caving at any given time and that's the craving I fight.

For quite some time a major source of stress between my husband and I was my supreme unhappiness at being any where but home near my family. It has been at the root of every major fight we have ever had and the source of any and all depression I've ever had. I have bitched and moaned and complained since the day we moved here that I hate it here and I want to go home. I have given it plenty of time and opportunity and I have tried to be happy here and for a time I was. For about 4 years we had friends that felt like family and I was truly happy here. They moved, others moved, I tried but eventually started hating this place again. Winter, coupled with quitting smoking, Shawn being laid off again and a bunch of other things brought that familiar homesick feeling back to the surface.
In the past when I tried to discuss these feelings with my husband I was met with reasons we can't leave. Reasons why he won't leave and most of the time he flat out pretended he was deaf when I would bitch. Something was much different this time though. I put my feelings out there, he put his feelings out there and he agreed we could go back. I know we can't. We have far too many responsibilities here but it is nice to have him understand how I feel instead of making excuses. It is amazing how much lighter my heart feels.
Now if I could make a decision about the other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind I might be completely free and breezy. That is a feeling I could live with!

2 weeks and a question

I have been smoke free for 2 weeks!

Things I like about not smoking....

The smell of things. I can smell so many things now that I couldn't before.
Not smelling bad! My hair smells so yummy and so does my pillow.
Breathing easier.
All the extra money I don't notice I have. Seriously. How did afford cigarettes? There doesn't seem to be one extra dime in the checking account.
Did I mention the smells?

Things I miss about smoking...

My sanity. Has anyone seen my sanity?
The ability to make it through the day without tears.
Having something to do. I am so bored. What do I do with all the time I spent smoking?


My question for my readers that have quit smoking...did you fall into a crushing depression? I feel so out of sorts. Sad. Full of hate. Hopeless. Blech. This is so not me.
I don't even know if the two have anything to do with each other. The timing just seems to be there. The thing is I have no desire to smoke at all. I have very few cravings. I truly feel done and I feel happy about that so why the depression? Cabin fever? Any thoughts anyone?

Oooh that smell....

So some of you may remember the hell that was Chantix.
I am in a whole different sort of hell right now but it's a good hell if hell can be good.

4 days ago I quit smoking!! I really wanted to blog about this but it was hard to type the words with my hands balled into fists.

Last Monday I came down with cold. It sucked. Around 7:30 Wednesday night, I could barely breathe through my stuffed up nose but there I was sucking on a cigarette. How stupid of me I thought, then I made a split second decision. I said, in my head cause out loud would have made me think myself a bit crazy, I said, help me through this, take care of me and I'll take care of myself. I would like to report that from there it was all sunshine and roses, that I have been walking on a cloud bathed in sunshine but that would be a total lie and I don't want to lie to you. It has been hell, pure hell, hell mixed with more hell, covered with hell, with more hell poured on top. Glorious hell.

So that was Wednesday night. Thursday I did really well. I woke up, made myself a doctors appointment over the phone which I cried through, yelled at my husband for even suggesting I drive myself, cried some more. Cried even more on the drive there. So i'll admit, At roughly 11:22 I caved and smoked so I could speak to the doctor like a half sane woman. Thursday night I had 2 drags. How freakin' gross it tasted. I man nasty, gross wanna throw up gross. That was the last one. No more giving in.

Friday was great. I walked around with my fists clenched, my teeth clenched and kept myself very busy. Not only was I still feeling like shit, I skipped my studio shoot and wasn't smoking. Really it wasn't all that bad. I kept myself rather busy. Instead of driving 35 minutes into the studio I walked 35 seconds downstairs and spent the entire day in my own studio. I came up with some fairly good stuff if I do say so myself. I watched Shawn start his garden in-doors and went to Sky's presidential conference, where I didn't cry, snap at anyone of clench my teeth. Score!!

Saturday was a whole other story. I would like to pretend Saturday didn't happen if you don't mind. Saturday I spent the entire day bouncing between crying like a baby, screaming at my husband and cleaning to stay busy. That is all I did the entire day. I think I cried and screamed more than cleaned. Lets just says it was one of those days that i'm not proud to admit happened. At some point I called my Mom in tears. She probably has no idea what the hell I was saying but she is a good Mommy, assured me I am strong and can do this and that she is proud of me. I ended the day from hell with movies, locked in my room all alone.

Which leads to today. DAY 4!! God I love day 4. Day 4 I have only had a few easy peasy
I love day 4!!
I think I can do this ya'll!

PS the worst side effect I wasn' prepared for is the ability to smell. Nothing like the smell of stale cigarette smell, rotten feet and nasty assed dog. cravings. I haven't yelled or balled or clenched. My fingernails are the only casualties of the day and I only called my Mom for a recipe. Not to cry.

Canon vs. Sony

So, let me start this buy saying I am in love with my Sony dslr. I have been a Sony shooter for quite some time and really like a lot of things that Sony has to offer.
Sony however does not offer the ability to shoot tethered to my laptop unless I buy the $2300 full frame camera. Yeah, no.
I need to be able to shoot tethered so I did a bit of research. My number one need beyond the ability to shoot tethered was cost. I have thousands of dollars into my Sony. I planned to still use it as my main camera and buy a cheap Canon to shoot those things I need to shoot tethered.
I ended up settling on a Canon eos XSi. Cheap, a lot of megapixels, tethered software, cheap, cheap.
We had an old lens lying around here off our old Canon film slr. Another reason to choose Canon.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to do a side by side comparison. Sony vs Canon. I knew my Sony was going to win. I mean I was giving it the unfair advantage of my 1.8 50 mm lens. I like to refer to that lens as my lover. I armed the Canon with the kit lens. A 3.5-5.6 18-55 mm. I really wanted my Sony to win. I put them both on the macro setting and started shooting away. Here is the best shot both of them took. Keep in mind it is the same exact flower.
You failed me Sony, you failed me.

Crawdad, crawfish, craydaddy. Whatever

So we have a fish tank full of non standard fair and everything must have a name. We have Turts and Fate the turtles. Goldie and Hawn the goldfish. Orangie and ornga ba dornga sma mornga the small goldfish. Bullet the silver fish who was the last of the ice fishing bait. Sadly his partner Silver died. Hoover the sucker fish and a bunch of other fish whose names escape me because to be fair there are far to many to keep track of.
Last summer Shawn added a crawdad (crawfish, whatever) to the tank. I wouldn't allow anyone to name him because names mean attachments and I wanted to make sure this thing could actually survive before the kids made him a part of the fish tank family. I have secretly been calling him Mr. Crabs. Today I made the awful mistake of calling him that name in front of Skylee and was sorely reprimanded because he isn't a hermit crab or a fiddler crab or any other kind of crab, according to Sky.
So, dear readers, I need your help. What do you suggest we name or crawdad?

Four

Yesterday I rushed around getting ready for school. My first day back at school for the new semester. I left home just a little bit later than I wanted. It took just a little bit longer to get my morning cup of coffee than I wanted it to. I felt just a little bit sick. Okay, a lot sick. This cold is kicking my butt. Not like my last cold where I was down for 5 weeks and really wasn't a cold at all but was the dreaded swine flu with a bit of bronchitis thrown in for good measure. Besides all that I was in a good mood, excited for the first day of school. Just as I was pulling into Jordan I looked over at the train tracks and it all came rushing back to me. I had made it a full hour into my day before I realized it was the day. 4 years earlier at this exact time you were here. Were you getting ready for work? Driving to work? Already at work? I'll never know. I blinked the tears back out of my eyes, the tears I knew would come, would have to come but would have to wait and went about my day trying not to think of you. I couldn't let you in just yet.

I knew on my way home I would have to go to you. Well, not to you exactly but to the place I feel you. The place you lost your life, or it was stolen. The place that holds part of my heart still.
I imagined what I would say to you. "Hi. It's me. I miss you" I would scream into the wind. "Why did you leave? I need to talk to you. I need my friend." This is when the tears started to come. When I pictured your face, thought of all the things I wanted to say.

I veered off 169 to go to the place. The road that winds to the place causes me to tense up still. I feel like I can't breathe every time i'm on that road. I whipped into the parking lot and was foiled by the mounds of snow dumped onto the back road that leads to the tree your semi landed on. The tree that is still broken and blackened from the death of you. "Shit" I said out loud. I swear I heard you laugh. Back out onto the road that causes me to not be able to breath. Across the tracks of the train which took away my best friend. How in the hell do I get down there I thought to myself and then it came to me. The lone footprints of one person who had walked down to your tree. I would have to walk down there too.
The rest I know you had a hand in. I know you were poking fun at me. Laughing. By time I made it down to your tree my heart was hammering, sweat pouring down my face. Legs shaking. You were laughing as I was walking in 12 inches of snow. I stood in front of your tree still broken and black. I shook my head, looked up at the sky. Felt the wind pick up and heard the tinkle of bells. The bells turned out to be something blowing on the fence surrounding the baseball field. The bells turned out to be you. You laughing, always laughing. Laughing with me, laughing at me. You always there with me. I miss you, more than I missed you four years ago today. Every day that goes by I think of you but now I can think of you without crying. I can think of you without feeling like someone punched me in the heart. I can think of you through a thinner veil of pain, a veil than only time can wear down and I thank you for being my friend, one of the best. My partner in crime and the person who "got" me far more than most anyone else has. Thanks for being you.
That's what I wanted to say yesterday before you had your fun with me in the snow.

Hot Shots

Sometimes you have to toot your own horn because no one else is going to toot it for you. These were taken a few months back as a gift for a boyfriend. Go tell Cat how hot she looks cause lord knows she looks hot and lord know she was never going to post them on her own blog.

300!

It's my 300th post ya'll!

I have nothing special planned for this 300th post. I don't even have anything all that pressing to get off my chest. No really funny stories to share. Nothing!

I had the kids get dressed up in their winter clothes this morning and herded everyone down to the studio. I had a very specific type of photo in mind and I think I nailed it!

Why the studio and not outside you ask? Why, because it's 4 degrees below the zero out there today. I just don't function in that kind of weather!

Here is what I took today.

Rock Star

I am probably jinxing myself but with one day left of Christmas break I'll take my chances.
I have to say. I have been blown away with how well my kids have behaved this vacation but one kid imparticular. Matt has been a rock star with his sisters! This is unusual.
He has taken them outside to play in the snow every day of vacation except for yesterday and today and I had to tell them no. It has been subzero highs the last 2 days.
He has played games with them, hung out with them and generally entertained them with only a little bit of harassment and pestering thrown in. Yesterday he and Sky hung out almost the entire day together playing on their laptops. Right now he is letting Hannah beat him up. She is kicking his butt and he is allowing it. Silly kids.
Having said all that, I am sooooo ready for them to go back to school!