Crack Pot

On last nights episode of 'My Name is Earl' Joy lost Crab Man's pet turtle, Mr. Turtle. She was bringing him to the Crab Shack for Crab Man to bathe in the dishwasher. She sat him atop her car, got distracted and took off with Mr. Turtle still hanging out on top. As she rounded a corner Mr. Turtle slid off the car and on to the ground. As soon as he started to slide I gasped audibly. He hit the ground and landed on his back with his little turtle feet kicking in the air. Immediately I start bitching to Shawn how that wouldn't be the case. Mr. turtle would hit the ground, his shell would crack and he would be dead. Shawn gave me the look, you know, the one that says "You are insane woman, it's just a show". I shut up and continued to watch the show. Joy didn't have the heart to tell Crab Man she lost his beloved turtle and got a replacement turtle for him. It ended up with Joy telling the truth of losing the turtle and a shot of Mr. Turtle trying to make his way back home.That is bullshit too, my sweet little Blade escaped and didn't ever come back.

I spent weeks looking around the retention ponds near our house looking for any sign of my run away turtle with absolutely no luck. I looked a bit this summer too. You never know. I never was a turtle lover, I never even gave them a second look until my oldest son showed up one hot summer day holding a painted turtle with the most wicked looking claws I have ever seen up close. The story goes...Ed wiped out on his bike and nearly dropped the handle bar on this poor wild turtle hanging out near the curb, dangerously close to the road. Ed, unlike me, has always wanted a turtle. He picked the little guy up, brought him home and begged to keep him. I didn't have a clue what to do with this thing and it is quite amazing it lived through the first 24 hours. I had no idea that painted turtles are aquatic. Blade lived in our dry bath tub over night before I did a google search and learned a bit about turtle care. I ignored the parts that said under no circumstances should you attempt to keep a wild turtle. We had a small pond in our front flower bed that we had decorative fish in. I guess I didn't realize that the turtle would instantly snack on our pet fish. I had to give him the talk about fish being friends not food. For some reason he didn't listen. In the first year or so after adopting Blade I learned a whole plethora of information regarding aquatic turtle care. Blade not only lived, he thrived. The next summer I dug out the small pond and replaced it with an 80 gallon pond. I taught Blade to surface every morning when I would tap on the side of the pond. He would pop his little head up out of the water, I would tell him good morning and he would turn his head sideways as if he were listening to me. I was more than enamored with him. We ended up having him for 3 winters and 4 summers before he one day disappeared out of our pond. I was beside my friend and literally felt as if I lost my best friend. I couldn't live without a turtle. I don't even think I would know how. Blade became that much of a part of my life.

I called the pet shop and ordered a new painted turtle. The day I went to pick him up they also had itty bitty red ear sliders. I picked one of them up too. I did kill her. I think she was sick when I got her. I however didn't kill Turts. He has grown and thrived. The pond out front is now just for fish and plants. No turtles will ever live there again because I can't bear to lose another one. Turts visits a few hours a day in the summer when I am in the yard and can keep an eye on him.

This summer I nearly ran over a small female painted turtle. I stopped in the middle of the road and backed up traffic to rescue her. She is at home with Turts. They are the best of friends and a constant source of entertainment for our family. I went from knowing nothing about turtles to being highly educated about them and I could never imagine my life not being full of my little hard shelled babies.Earl ended with an announcement saying no turtles were harmed in the making of this episode so please no letters crack pots. Yep, that's me. Turtle crack pot.