Monday, January 12, 2009

Today I am wearing a fake diamond ring

It's Sunday night and I am sitting here trying to decide how many details I want to post for tomorrow's entry. See, tomorrow is a huge day in my life, a monumental day, a day that may have altered my future and made me see things in a sadder light. Tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of the death of one of the biggest hearted, most wonderful, giving, loving, funny, outspoken and crazy men I have ever known in my life.
Scott wasn't just my husbands cousin or any other family member. He was all the things I listed above and more to me. He was my confidant, my counselor, my advisor, the angel and the devil on my shoulders. I loved him and I miss him. Three years after that horrible day the pain is still fresh. His voice is still fresh in my mind. His silliness will be with me forever along with every other gift he ever gave to my soul. Mere words can never express just how much I leaned on him and what he meant in my life.
So on the eve of the anniversary of his death I won't write about how he died. I choose to remember how he lived. He wasn't his death, he was his life and I plan to remember the light he was, not how he was stolen away. Rest in peace my dear friend and know you will never be forgotten or truly gone. You live on inside of my heart and the hearts of all who ever knew you.

Note: For those who are interested click here--->

I also have another entry on my myspace blog but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to import those posts to blogger. Re reading this entry this morning I decided to copy here the piece that was written in my myspace blog since I can't just link to it.

Scott died on 1/12/06.
Friday the 13th of 2006 was one of the absolute saddest days of my life. I cannot read what I wrote in the days following his death without choking up, still. I loved Scott immensely. He was one of my best friends. I miss him every day.
Saturday is the 2 year anniversary of Scott's death. Last year I took flowers to the spot where he died. When I am there I can feel him all around me. He is in the wind, the smell of the air, the crunch of my footsteps on the snow. Although I know he is no longer here anymore I hold him a little closer to my heart when I am there, the place he took his last breath. This year I'm not sure if I will be delivering flowers and making my visit. In so many ways it does my heart good to be there, to feel him near me, to speak into the wind all of the things I want to say. But in so many other ways I feel like when I am there no time has passed, my heart still aches. I just want to know when it gets better? Does it?
The very last time I saw Scott alive was a few weeks before his death. I ran into him at the grocery store. I had this fabulous fake diamond on. Massive and incredibly gawdy. Scott grabbed my hand, looked at the ring and exclaimed Shawn must have got a raise. He was joking and we had a huge laugh. I wish I could remember if we hugged when I left the aisle he was in but I don't recall. Anyway, now when ever I am really missing him and need to feel him close to him I put on the ring. Something I know he touched.
To bad I can't just reach in and grab my heart.


Cat January 12, 2009 at 8:49 AM  

I really wish I had gotten a chance to know this man, of whom you've spoken so highly for as long as I've known you. Everyone should be so lucky to have people like you in their lives; people who won't let your memory be forgotten.

Kelly January 12, 2009 at 9:50 AM  

I can remember when this happened.
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing.
My family experienced a simular loss just last month. My son Shawn's best friend died suddenly on December 9th.
And like your friend Scott, he was the nicest, greatest kid in the world. We all miss him terribly.

Bobby G January 12, 2009 at 11:18 AM  

Dealing w/ loss is the hardest thing any of us can do. In 2008, I lost 2 dear friends, about 2 months apart. One was a motorcycle accident he got hit by a drunk driver at 12:30 in the afternoon, and the other was a heart attack. it never gets any easier. Your post brought a tear to my eye,after all i went through in 2008, I tend to really get emptional in situations like this, you are a very strong person tho! & it never gets easier but it everyone can eventually move on!

Kate January 12, 2009 at 12:01 PM  

I'm sorry for your loss.

Kat January 12, 2009 at 12:46 PM  

Keep you head up girl. Go get a bottle of wine and sit in the car and talk about how awesome Scott was. Celebrate and have a party like he would have wanted. He sounds like he was a true character.

Bobbie Leigh January 12, 2009 at 5:02 PM  

I'm so sorry, that is so tragic. One of my bestfriends was murdered when we were 17, and to this day my heart still breaks when I think of the amazing person this world lost.
But I know your friend is watching over you and always will.

rachael January 13, 2009 at 2:16 AM  

Oh I am truly sorry, and empathetic to what you are going through. I lost my father last year. I admire you for choosing to make lemonade from the lemons. It really is best to choose to celebrate a life. Keep your energy thoughts surrounding him positive and that is how he will be remembered.

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I am Mom to 4 of the most kick ass kids ever! I learn shenanigans from them every day.



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